BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 8th & 7th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 3rd & 2nd]

Thug life, yo! That’s right! Today’s celebrity birthday?...Tupac Shakur! Thirty-eight years ago today, Shakur was born to an East Harlem woman who was also totally a member of the Black Panther Party. Since we dedicated last week's Block-Off! to my favorite college-era hippies, Phish, we’re going to take you back even further this week & dabble in my high-school musical tastes by going all hip-hop on yo ass.

I can’t think of two more gangsta blocks in Park Slope than this week’s two contenders—5th Ave from 8th to 7th and 7th Ave from 3rd to 2nd. Both blocks have Bingo! That’s wicked gangsta. Since 5th Ave’s obviously more gangsta than 7th & located west of it, we’ll be infusing it with the spirit of Tupac, while 7th Ave’s block will be inhabited by Tupac’s best bud to the east, Biggie Smalls.

As the two blocks fight for their respective territories & reps, a turf war will develop & a lot of people will say a lot of things & there’ll be beefs & disses & representin’. We’ll move a bunch of units, but by the end, both blocks will be dead…but one will end up selling more posthumous albums!...but he won’t even get a biopic. Let the bandana-wearing, paranoid, 2Pacalyptic judging begin! California love, y’all.

5th Ave from 8th St to 7th St:
Tupac’s block obviously starts with a Hollywood Video, since he was all an actor & shit. Remember Juice? Loved that movie. Anyway, if you can’t handle the planning or interweb skillz necessary for a Netflix account, Hollywood Video’s perfect for you.

It’s followed by Jennifer Convertibles, one of a large chain of furniture stores spread throughout the country. These people, featured on their site, with their white teeth & toy dog, definitely live in Park Slope.

Bingo, bitchez! The next locale on the block is 5th Ave Bingo. Back in the day, I used to play game after game of Bingo at my mom’s parents house. This place is sort of like that, but we only played one card at a time & there were no old ladies threatening us for our loot. On 5th Ave, they’re all “Gimme the loot! Gimme the…” Oops, that’s a Biggie song. Wrong block.

For pizza on the block, there’s our first restaurant, Albanese Pizza Restaurant. It’s your average neighborhood pizza joint & there was this dude I went to college with whose last name is “Albanese,” so they’re cool with me…pretty solid pizza.

If you need to get rid of your dog for the day, you could leave him at the next place—Paws in Paradise. He’ll get to play with other dogs & if he’s lucky, one of them will let him get some fake humping in before you come to pick him up.

Next is Rachel's Taqueria, home to those obnoxiously stupid flames pasted on the outside of the building, just above the entrance. Rachel’s is the sister restaurant of 7th Ave’s La Taqueria. I love La Taqueria, but will never step foot in Rachel’s while those obnoxious flames remain standing.

After Rachel’s, there’s a J.C. Penney Catalog Sales Merchant. I could have sworn that J.C. Penney went the way of Filene’s a few years back, but I guess not. If I remember correctly from my high school days, it’s a good place to put on a good layer of Drakkar Noir before heading out into the mall to scope for chicks.

There’s only one pharmacy on the block—Slope Drugs. Based on the name, I assume there’s mainly an assortment of weed, coke and pills at their parties.

This side of the block ends with the neighborhood bar grittiness of Jackie's 5th Amendment. The fifth is one of my favorite amendments, but I don’t think I’m ramshackle enough to hang out at Jackie’s.

As we head on over to the right side of the street, we start with Save On Fifth. Need some socks? How about a toy for the breedling? Are you in the market for some random crap that you don’t really need but can’t resist due to the aforementioned savings? Go to Save on Fifth then.

Nestled in between Save on Fifth and an EMPTY STOREFRONT is Brooklyn Arts Exchange, an arts center that hosts all sorts of educational classes & performances & the like. When they took over the entire building, they dubbed it “The BAX Building,” which is pretty hip sounding.

This week, each block has a hardware store on it, but this block’s hardware store—Leopoldi True Value—is the smaller of the two. Luckily, both locations are members of the True Value family, so they don't have to fight it out with hammers or nail guns or something.

Maybe your cat has Strep. Maybe she doesn’t. You’ll never know for sure unless you bring that needy little scratchmonger to the next business—Park Slope Veterinary Care. They’ll do some junk to her whiny throat. She’ll bare her claws. It’ll be a blast.

If you’re looking to perform an act of grocery on the block, there’s Smart & Healthy, a store that used to be Compare Foods before it got all nice-a-fied. If you’re an idiot or out of shape, you should probably keep walking. They don’t take kindly to your kind here.

Then there’s the Quantum Cardio Vascular Imaging Center. Remember that scene in How the Grinch Stole Christmas when they use that screen thing to show how small the Grinch’s heart is? I’m pretty sure they have one of those things in here. Science!

The block closes out with Park Slope Sleep Center. I’m assuming that if you’re one of those folks who snores like a freight train or is constantly dreaming about Freddy Krueger, they can do something for you here…either that or this is some sort of gathering spot for tuckered out Slopers. If not, we need a place like that now more than ever.

Left-hand side:
Hollywood Video, 420 5th Ave, 718-768-7110
Jennifer Convertibles, 418 5th Ave, 718-768-1953
5th Ave Bingo, 416 5th Ave, 718-788-1691
Albanese Pizza Restaurant, 412 5th Ave, 718-369-2767
Paws in Paradise, 410 5th Ave, 718-768-1888
Rachel's Taqueria, 408 5th Ave, 718-788-1137
J.C. Penney Catalog Sales Merchant, 406 5th Ave, 718-832-7179
Slope Drugs, 406 5th Ave, 718-788-8899
Jackie's 5th Amendment, 406 5th Ave, 718-788-9123

Right-hand side:
Save On Fifth, 421 5th Ave, 718-965-2040
Brooklyn Arts Exchange, 421 5th Ave, 718-832-0018
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 417 5th Ave
Leopoldi True Value, 415 5th Ave, 718-499-6563
Park Slope Veterinary Care, 413 5th Ave, 718-788-0500
Smart & Healthy, 409 5th Ave
Quantum Cardio Vascular Imaging Center, 405 5th Ave, 718-832-2030
Park Slope Sleep Center, 403 5th Ave, 718-965-1234

Scoring
Bonuses – Bingo!, Two Businesses for Pet Owners, One Arts Center, A Window Into the Grinch’s Heart
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Gaudily-Flamed Building, One Too-Gruff Bar

7th Ave from 3rd St to 2nd St:
Biggie’s block begins with Barrio [PICTURED ABOVE], a Mexican restaurant that’s just over a year old & occasionally acts as the block’s Bingo spot (on the first Tuesday of every month). For the Spanish-deficient, Spanishdict.com defines “barrio” as an “area, district, neighborhood.” Basically, what they’re trying to say is that this place is the neighborhood. This place is Park Slope…or maybe it’s Cobble Hill but confused.

Our next business is the only bodega in this week’s Block-Off!, 3rd Street Newsstand & Deli. I’d like to be able to say that it does a good job representing the block, but it’s so non-descript that I’ve never gone in.

Infinity Dental reminds me of a funny joke I just made up a few minutes ago. A guy walks into his family dentist’s office, says to the dentist, “You’ve gotta help me. My tooth is killing me.” The dentist sits him down in the chair & has him open up his mouth so he can peer inside to examine. After about thirty seconds of gazing & prodding, the dentist leans back and tells the guy, “I’ve got some good news & some bad news.” The guy looks up & with a sigh, says to him, “Give me the good news first,” to which the dentist replies, “You’re going to need a root canal.” The guy is shocked, “Wow. That sounds awful. What’s the bad news?” The dentist looks down at him, puts a comforting hand on his shoulder & says…”I’m fucking your wife.”

Um…so I don’t know who named the next business—Hair Concern—but the name doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I get what they’re going for, but wouldn’t something like “Hair Fix” or “Follicle Focus” work a little better?

Now if you’re one of them fancy folks who prefer footwear, you can get some of the stylish variety at Eric New York/Girl on Seventh…that is, unless you’re too concerned about your hair to shop any more.

Maybe you’re too concerned to shop for yourself at the moment, but won’t you please think of the children? Next door to the shoe store is a shop for kids five & under—Carmen’s Exclusives for Children. If you’re like me & wouldn’t be caught dead out in public with an unfashionable toddler, you should check this place out.

Mark Ravitz Art & Design, our next business on the block, is home to a designer who’s made sets for Bowie, KISS and Studio 54. He’s also the creator of the “drips,” an “abstract expression of an ‘other worldly’ entity making an unexpected appearance.” Sounds artsy to me.

The next space is home to the USPS Park Slope Station. Since it’s a New York City post office, it’s automatically as close as you can get to the seventh level of hell without actually booking a ticket. I’m not going to say any more than that though, as I’d like to continue receiving my mail.

For those active types looking for stylish, active shoes, there’s Good Footing Adventure. They specialize in the kind of shit you can wear for a nature hike or birding expedition or Phish concert.

This side of the block finishes with Tarzian West, the houseware outlet of Tarzian hardware, which is located across the street. It’s a small locale that focuses on dishware & cookware & towels—the sort of stuff you might pick up if you actually cared about making your box of an apartment look halfway decent.

On the right-hand side, we start with Ocean Fish Market. Not only is it a good place to pick up fresh fish, but it’s also a pretty ninja place to pick up sushi, especially since there are a million sushi places in the hood.

I wonder just how personal the process really is at the next place—Personal Process Cleaners. After all, unless you’re like me & have curious stains & your name written on all the tags of your items of clothing, your shirt will probably just be another shirt to them.

We only have two realtors in this week’s Block-Off! and they’re right next to each other—TB Shaw Realty & Farran Real Estate. TB’s properties appear to be the better of the two, but I can’t help but feel sorry for somebody named “TB Shaw.” It sounds like a name you’d call a sickly kid on the playground.

As far as longevity goes, Jackie’s Fifth might give the next business— Tarzian True Value Hardware— a run for their money, but Tarzian has been around since friggin’ 1921. Their opening was fortuitous, as we’d just entered the Bronze Age the previous summer.

The block comes to an end with Pure Essentials. I still can’t look at the space without thinking of the previous tenants, the now defunct 2nd St Café.  When I do look at it though, I see all sorts of soothing beauty products.  Today, I can also see Tupac, like a gangsta ghost from beyond the grave, smiling back at me in the reflection of the front window, his hands sufficiently moisturized.

Left-hand side:
Barrio, 210 7th Ave, 718-965-4000
3rd Street Newsstand & Deli, 206 7th Ave (Downstairs), 718-788-3642
Infinity Dental, 206 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-788-8009
Hair Concern, 206 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-499-9400
Eric New York/Girl on Seventh, 202 7th Ave, 718-369-4189
Carmen’s Exclusives for Children, 200 7th Ave, 718-832-1115
Mark Ravitz Art & Design, 200 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-768-7619
USPS Park Slope Station, 198 7th Ave, 718-834-3048
Good Footing Adventure, 196 7th Ave, 718-369-2601
Tarzian West, 194 7th Ave, 718-788-4213

Right-hand side:
Ocean Fish Market, 203 7th Ave, 718-499-1454
Personal Process Cleaners, 199 7th Ave, 718-768-5279
TB Shaw Realty, 197 7th Ave, 718-768-0100
Farran Real Estate, 197 7th Ave, 718-768-0044
Tarzian True Value Hardware, 193 7th Ave, 718-788-4120
Pure Essentials, 189 7th Ave, 718-369-4500

Scoring
Bonuses – Bingo!, One Bowie Set Designer, Two Good Shoe Stores, One Ninja Sushi Place, One Old-Time Hardware Store
Shames – One Seventh Level of Hell, TB

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM 3RD ST TO 2ND ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.