BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 5th & 4th] vs. 8th Ave [btwn 12th & 11th]

Wow. So this week marks the 23rd edition of the Block-Off! Yes, it is very Jordan of me. Thanks for noticing. For almost six months now, you & I have traipsed up & down the Park Slope avenues, having a weekly moment together over ridonkulous nonsense about our neighborhood businesses, all belched from the depths of my glue-huffing addled head. I’ve infused the blocks with the spirits of Tupac & Biggie, Baldwin & Estevez, The Titanic & Lincoln, and Osama & Chuck Norris. I made fun of a lot of businesses & most of them deserved it. These are our golden weeks, folks! Cherish them because the Block-Off! is pretty much the greatest invention since sliced bread, which was first sold 71 years ago today in Chillicothe, Ohio.

All great inventions must come to an end though, so to let you down slowly, over the next few weeks, since I’ve basically run out of blocks worth tossing into the ring by their lonesome, I’m going to be bringing you a few weeks of Block-Off! (Filling in the Gaps Edition) and a few other surprises…but for this week, we still have two (somewhat full) blocks ready to jump in the ring, so let’s not make further adieu & such.

This week, we’ll be visiting our last full block on 5th Ave—from 5th to 4th—and for the first time, we’ll be taking a trip way over to 8th Ave, between 12th & 11th. As the two blocks embrace the spirit of invention, they’ll tinker away in basements & garages for our affections, just like the dad in Gremlins, with his awesome “Bathroom Buddy.” One block will be a total genius & develop the atomic bomb (which was first tested this month, back in 45’) and the other will invent an mp3 player for your dog. In the end, humanity will thank both either way, but with some serious reservations. Let the gizmoidic, too much coulda, not enough shoulda judging begin!

5th Ave from 5th St to 4th St:
The left-hand side of our first block is occupied by Middle School 51, which should not be confused with Area 51, the government facility where they’re holding pieces of the spacecraft that was recovered in Roswell, NM sixty-two years ago today…although have you seen middle school students these days? They’re like from another planet & shit.

On the right-hand side of the block, we begin with Stop & Fifth Deli, which is one hell of a deli on the 4th of July at around 1am when you’re coming back from Long Island City & decide that you should get off of the train thirty some blocks from your house because you obviously need a Delirium Tremens & one of those Amy’s Kitchen Burritos.

Next to it is Under The Pig Antiques, where you can get your fill of random lamps & such. In going with the antique theme, the lettering on their sign is in comic sans font. Remember when comic sans font erupted on the scene? That font jumped the shark quick, huh?

Sex sex sex sex sex! A sex shop, Pink Pussycat Boutique, occupies the next space. I don’t really dabble in the sex toys these days, but regardless, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this place open. Is it ever open? Did the Park Slope ethical committee shut it down because of all the sex? Do sex & I just have different hours? Regardless…sweet airbrushed metal gate.

If you want to get your hair cut by that foreign kid on That 70’s Show, you can do it next door at Fez Salon. He’ll be all “snip snip” and he’ll say something witty & then you can make fun of him, because he’s foreign & it’s the 70’s.

Dudes & dudettes, it’s officially hot dog month, so it’s basically your American duty to stop in the next business, Willie’s Dawgs. Ain’t down with ambiguous innards? It’s all good. Willie’s got a veggie dog, dawg. You like non-Little Caesar crazy bread? They’ll put your hot dog in some crazy bread, dawg. They also do other things that I can pair with your new canine-tinged nickname. Don’t tempt me.

Nibble Nook, the next business, is officially the only place in Park Slope where you can get Trinidadian food & a root canal’s worth of sweets. It was on the market a few months back, but it's still hanging around. Yay economy? When I went by the other day, their A-frame read “We were robbed last night & the only think they took was our red velvet cupcakes.” Oh the humanity!

Earth Tonez—“The Gourmet Veggie Café”—follows Nibble Nook. There are a bunch of good sounding veggie dishes on the menu & I’m thinking of going veggie this summer, so I might have to actually check this place out (ed note: BUMMER, Parowpyro, but Earth Tonez is no more.  Can you pick up the shattered pieces of your alfalfa sprouted, seitan-ed patty life and move on?? We sincerely hope so).

Then there’s Premium Goods, which may have the trippiest website in Park Slope. They also have some of the trippiest sneakers…shit that Kanye West would wear and/or endorse.

Sorry folks. I have no information on the next business. I’ve never seen it open, but according to the recently-revived SmallTownBrooklyn.com, it was So Charmed at one point, so I’m going to say it’s that & assume that it’s a boutique co-owned by Shannen Doherty, Rose McGowan & Alyssa Milano.

Then there’s an APARTMENT BUILDING, some BUSINESS WITH ART IN THE WINDOW and an EMPTY STOREFRONT.

The block ends with Bagel World, which I know of because of this memory…picture this. Sicily. Brooklyn. 2004. A man, thirtyish walks into Bagel World with no forethought as to what sort of sandwich he’s going to get. He knows one thing though—he’s getting it on a bagel. As he stares slack-jawed at the counter area, a voice reaches out to him from the other side—“You should try the curry tuna salad with raisins. It’s really good…my daughter’s recipe.” Since he’s wandering aimlessly through life anyhow, he gives the voice’s suggestion a shot…and he remembers that sandwich for a full two weeks.

Left-hand side:
Middle School 51, 350 5th Ave, 718-369-7603

Right-hand side:
Stop & Fifth Deli, 357 5th Ave
Under The Pig Antiques, 355 5th Ave, 718-788-2135
Pink Pussy Cat, 355 5th Ave, 718-369-0088
Fez Salon, 351 5th Ave, 718-965-1714
Willie’s Dawgs, 351 5th Ave, 718-832-2941
Nibble Nook, 349 5th Ave, 718-788-2548
Earth Tonez, 349A 5th Ave, 718-395-1516
Premium Goods, 347B 5th Ave, 718-369-7477
So Charmed?, 347 5th Ave, 718-369-8302
APARTMENT BUILDING, 343 5th Ave
BUSINESS WITH ART IN THE WINDOW, 341B 5th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 341A 5th Ave
Bagel World, 339 5th Ave, 718-499-1143

Scoring
Bonuses – One Holiday Drunken Success Story, One Sex Shop, One Dawg Shop, One Bagel Memory
Shames – One Empty Storefront

8th Ave from 12th St to 11th St:
Eighty-three percent of the businesses on the block have food & the most prominent of them is Johnny Mack's, which is located on the corner of 12th and has an outdoor seating area, so you can check out all the “foot traffic” on 8th Ave. I can’t eat here because the name reminds me of John McNamara, manager of the Boston Red Sox in 1986, the year where we blew the World Series to the Mets. I was eleven at the time. It was quite scarring.

Back in 1998, I was living in Medford, MA and dating a girl who would later become my best friend. The first night we hung out, there were ladybugs/ladybirds present & one even hung onto my sweater & followed us back to my apartment. The bugs were a cute, lovey-dovey sign until around the time when things started to go downhill in the relationship & on a hot summer day, we opened a window in my bedroom & found dozens of dead, scorched ladybugs/ladybirds in my windowsill. If you go to the next business, Ladybird Bakery, you probably won’t have a freaky, bug-related story to tell, but they will let you eat cake & if you ask nicely, speak to you in the accent of a former First Lady.

After two EMPTY STOREFRONTS, we come upon the “yumminess” of Yummy Taco. I haven’t been to this locale, but I learned my lesson with the Church Ave edition—“yummy” is a relative term. I rank Yummy Taco below Good Friend (on 5th & 9th), so that’s officially last in Park Slope. Not crap, just last Mexican-wise.

Sister’s Nail Salon doesn’t have food, but I bet you can get them to draw lil cupcakes on your nails for a price…or you can just have them make your nails look “nice,” although I don’t see how that’s possible without cupcakes.

This side finishes with Junior's Deli & Grocery, a bodega unaffiliated with the cheesecake place on Flatbush, or as I like to call it, “Fat Bush.” If you’re looking to fill your convenience needs on the block, you should go here, because you don’t have a choice.

12th Street Bar & Grill [PICTURED ABOVE] leads off the other side of the block. Like a lot of things on 8th Ave, it has an old-timey fancy exterior, with an entrance at the bottom of a green-painted tower thing that leads into a carriage house, which houses the bar. I’m cheap, so I’ve yet to eat here, but the menu sounds intriguing. Shit, I’ll try perch.

It’s followed by THREE APARTMENT BUILDINGS. If you live in one of them, let’s be friends & have dinner parties. I’ll bring dates stuffed with goat cheese & my friend who knows how to make them.

The last & only other business on this side of the block before the APARTMENT BUILDING on the corner is Reel Life, a video store that survived while its Williamsburg counterpart up & died last year. Without going into the details, via the Williamsburg locale, I had some business dealings with the owner of Reel Life and he wasn’t a rational human being at all, so I wish him the best of luck in keeping open his business. If this locale doesn’t work out either, maybe he can deliver ice.

Left-hand side:
Johnny Mack's, 1114 8th Ave, 718-832-7961
Ladybird Bakery, 1112 8th Ave, 718-499-8108
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 1110 8th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 1108 8th Ave
Yummy Taco, 1106 8th Ave, 718-832-1880
Sister’s Nail Salon, 1104 8th Ave, 718-369-8855
Junior's Deli & Grocery, 1102 8th Ave, 718-768-4070

Right-hand side:
12th Street Bar & Grill, 1123 8th Ave, 718-965-9526
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1121 8th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1127 8th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1113 8th Ave
Reel Life, 1111 8th Ave, 718-965-9775
APARTMENT BUILDING, 1105 8th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – Places to Live, A Restaurant in a Cool Building
Shames – Two Empty Storefronts, One Scarring Childhood Memory, Relative Yumminess, Video Crap

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 5TH ST TO 4TH ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.