BLOCK-OFF! 4th Ave [from 9th to 3rd] vs. 4th Ave [from 3rd to President]

Howdy fair readers. It’s time for another edition of the Block-Off! When we last met, we unveiled our first ever tag team edition, with groups of blocks on 4th Ave & 6th Ave going head-to-head in a revolutionary competition commemorating Bastille Day.

It was a special week, as avid Block-Off! reader “now you know about 4th Ave” harshly critiqued us & commented that “wow, these things suck worse every time.” We weren’t aware that people saw the Block-Off! as some sort of Citysearch/Yelp guide, as opposed to an opportunity for us to write the stupidest stuff possible about every single business in the neighborhood in the most objective way possible.

This week, in order to dispel any misconceptions that the Block-Off! is anything but the latter, we promise to suck worse than we’ve ever sucked before. We’ll be staying on 4th Ave the entire time, making our way down toward Atlantic, pitting the blocks between 9th & 3rd against the blocks between 3rd & President. Since this stretch of 4th for the most part sucks, it’ll be very fitting. As one group is all “ooh, look at our vacant lot” & the other is all “we’ve got wicked huge condos too,” it’ll totally blow. We promise. Let the craptastically turdtastic whirlwind of widespread suckitude begin!

4th Ave from 9th St to 3rd St:
Starting at 9th St, there’s a corner bodega that’s technically on 9th St & a vacant lot that’s somehow listed with an 8th St address. After them, the left-hand side of our first stretch begins with Fairweather Inc. They’ll totally do your income taxes for you, but if your bullpen starts blowing late-inning leads and you miss the playoffs, they’ll probably switch allegiances to another team.

Since 4th Ave isn’t exactly about the glamour, this set of blocks only has one salon—Franchezka Unisex Salon. Its exterior isn’t really about glamour either, but don’t let that stop you from going to them to work on your own glamour.

Franchezka’s two spots down from Brooklyn Geek, a computer repair/supply store sandwiched between two PRIVATE/EMPTY STOREFRONTS. I find it a bit odd that a place that deals with computers doesn’t even have a website, but it’s not all bad…the geek’s been around for a while and it looks like the perfect place to take your broken Commodore 64.

As we’ve learned over time, if you’re looking for a taste of failed human rights, widespread corruption & information oppression, China’s the place to be. Taste of China, the next business, doesn’t have any of these, but they do have greasy, cheap-ass Chinese food.

Before we get to the next business, True Clean Laundromat, on the south corner of 7th, we pass a VACANT LOT and a row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS. With a name like “True Clean,” you’d think that’d it’d be one of those bright, shiny laundromats, but it’s not really.

On the north corner of 7th St is Natural Plus, a nice looking deli? Bodega? Convenient store? Apparently there’s a huge difference between the three & that difference actually matters to some people, so it’s whatever one of those is the nice looking one with relatively healthy fare.

It’s followed by another row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS and Victoria’s Gourmet Deli & Pizza, located on the south corner of 6th St. I’m not sure if “gourmet” is the word I’d use to describe this place, especially since I never see it open any more & I’m assuming it’s closed...EMPTY STOREFRONT?

U-Haul can go screw. A few years back, I used them to move to my current apartment & after a long day of moving, this place tried to pull some “we’re closed” shit on me when the time was clearly within normal business hours. I’ve had nothing but awful experiences with U-Haul—a flat tire, being sent to someplace between East New York & Canarsie to drop off the truck when I first moved here eight years ago, the ol “oops we’re out of hand carts even though you reserved one & need one to move in” excuse. Good times. The best moving experience I ever had was when I didn’t use them & instead had two kids from Jersey with a van move me.

If you want to get your hack license & drive a taxi, the next business—Susan Cab—is totally looking for taxi drivers. “Advanced Talking on Your Cell Phone While Weaving Through Traffic,” “Refusing To Go Brooklyn 101” and “Putting Up With Making Out & Puking” are just some of the courses you’ll take on your way to becoming a licensed cabbie.

Next to Susan Cab is Hotel Le Bleu [PICTURED ABOVE], a boutique hotel that’s home to the Vue, the rooftop restaurant/lounge that FIPS paid a visit to a short while back. This hotel is more out of place than a Baptist at a Slayer show, but if you’re cool with spending $200-$300 a night to stay just minutes away from a grungy six-lane road and just steps away from a dialysis center, check them out.

Nephro Care West is on the other site of the hotel. To answer your question, no you can't come here to have sex with dead people. It's nephro care...not necro care, sicko.

If you’re into buying your auto parts from a trio of old timey-looking cartoon dudes, the next business—Pep Boys—is right up your alley. They’ve been expanding the Pep Boys Empire for over eighty years & currently use the slogan “Does everything. For less.” I once knew a hooker who went by the same motto.

The last business on the left-hand side of this stretch is Staples and even that has a vacant lot in front of it. I’d suggest that they use their “Easy Button” to sweep away the vacant lot, but I think it only works on paper & three-ring binders & shit.

The other side of this stretch starts with St Thomas Aquinas RC Church & the St Thomas Aquinas School, but those are, respectively, on 9th & 8th. Our first business is B & L Appliance Repair, who fixes all sorts of stuff—washing machines, ACs, dryers, refrigerators—but since we’re a disposable society, if your fridge breaks, you should probably just throw it out. Just remember to take the doors off when you leave it at the curb, so a curious breedling doesn’t get trapped inside & get a free ride to the dump the next morning.

After a few APARTMENT BUILDINGS, we come to Engine Company 239. It’s been a rough week for the FDNY, what with the discriminatory exam ruling & all, but at least there are four more episodes left in this season of Rescue Me to get excited about.

After a VACANT LOT that’s actually on 4th & another vacant lot that isn’t, there’s a huge APARTMENT BUILDING with Park Slope Ambulatory Infusion Center on the ground floor of it. If you ask me, Park Slope is already infused with enough ambulances.

Our first set of blocks ends with Washington Park, which until recently, was known as J.J. Byrne Park. Folks didn’t think that George Washington had enough stuff named after him, so they took the park away from the LOST creator & gave it to George instead. Maybe they’ll switch back after the 6th season is finished.

Left-hand side:
Fairweather Inc, 436 4th Ave, 718-768-8370
Franchezka Unisex Salon, 436 4th Ave, 718-965-1767
PRIVATE/EMPTY STOREFRONT, 434 4th Ave
Brooklyn Geek, 432A 4th Ave, 718-499-5742
PRIVATE/EMPTY STOREFRONT, 432 4th Ave
Taste of China, 430 4th Ave, 718-768-5555
VACANT LOT, 426 4th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 418-424 4th Ave
True Clean Laundromat, 416 4th Ave, 718-499-0053
Natural Plus, 414 4th Ave, 718-246-0260
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 402-406 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 400 4th Ave
U-Haul, 394 4th Ave, 718-237-2893
Susan Cab, 374 4th Ave, 718-222-4040
Hotel Le Bleu, 370 4th Ave, 718-625-1500
Nephro Care West, 358-362 4th Ave, 718-858-6675
Pep Boys, 354 4th Ave, 718-596-2833
Staples, 348 4th Ave, 718-222-5732

Right-hand side:
B & L Appliance Repair, 403 4th Ave, 718-369-0901
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 397-401 4th Ave
Engine Company 238, 395 4th Ave
VACANT LOT, 385 4th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 343 4th Ave
Park Slope Ambulatory Infusion Center NYM, 343 4th Ave, 718-780-3877
Washington Park

Scoring
Bonuses – A Place to Fix Your Tandy, Somebody to Put Out the Fire, A Park
Shames – Three Empty Storefronts, Two Vacant Lots, One Hugely Out-of-Scale Building, The Worst Moving Company Ever

4th Ave from 3rd St to President St:
Our second set of blocks begins on the left with Con Edison Facilities. It’s a huge building that spans the entire block from 3rd to 1st, large enough that you could probably park a few 747s inside. It’s the most electric place on the block.

At 1st, there’s Golden Touch Car Wash & Oil Change, a car wash whose website features some bumping Need for Speed-type techno music…so if you like that techno crap and need your car washed, this place is perfect for you.

If you’re looking to make some quick changes to that car you jacked the other day, you can head next door to the car wash & visit Great Bear Auto Center, an auto body & paint specialist. They “take pride in their work.” Great bear pride.

For those into the glamorous Hank Hillesque world of oil & gas burners, the next business—4th Ave Burner & Heating Supplies—is the place to be. Sorry, it’s not a one-stop shop for motorcycles & firewood.

ISA Wholesale Corp, a place where you can get wholesale grocery, is right next door. Well, you probably can’t get wholesale grocery here unless you’re some sort of grocer, which you’re probably not. Don’t think that FIPS isn’t aware that we’ve yet to penetrate the key grocer demographic.

MTA 4th Ave-Garfield Pl Substation is next door. It’s a place where your favorite fat cartoon cat has partnered with the good folks at the MTA to bring tasty lasagna subs to the Slope. My recommendation is to try to go on a day when that annoying Nermal isn’t working or when Odie has the day off…that damn dog always drools on my sub.

In the category of “best makeshift sign that looks like it belongs outside some cheap religious headquarters” ever, there’s Family Car Service. I didn’t realize they existed until recently, but now that I know, it makes it all the easier to say “fuck you” to 11th St.

Since this stretch of 4th is home to a ton of auto related businesses, why not have another one? The next place—ABC Collision—has a useful but odd service on their website where you can look at pictures of your car (or other people’s cars, for that matter) & track its repair progress. Since they’re interested in quality & service, I bet they’d do a great job of getting all those spare hobo bits out of your front grill.

One of the only redeeming things about this set of blocks is Root Hill Café, an architecturally cool looking spot on the north corner of Carroll. On top of having a ton of tasty shit to eat & drink, wifi & an open mic night, if you happen to live within their few block delivery area, they’ll deliver to your lazy ass.

After a row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS and an EMPTY STOREFRONT, the last business on this side of the street is Mia Vision Optical, the only place you can get fancy eyeglasses in this week’s Block-Off! That is unless you’re up for mugging somebody outside of Hotel Le Bleu. It’s followed by another EMPTY STOREFRONT, an APARTMENT BUILDING & another friggin EMPTY STOREFRONT of some sort.

Elements Hair Studio leads off the other side of the street. It’s the only salon in this set of blocks & one of the cleanest businesses in the stretch. My hair doesn’t exactly need styling, but I once I got a girl to talk to me & she’d been there before & was happy with the results. Sorry, I can’t lie to you...I’ve never had a conversation with a girl.

After a couple of APARTMENT BUILDINGS & an EMPTY WAREHOUSE, there’s a McDonalds. Folks working here are probably psyched about the fact that the state minimum wage went up by ten cents last week, but it’s little consolation, since ten cents more an hour won’t get the smell of grilled meat out of your hair.

Next door to it is Alba Motors, an unassuming auto repair shop that I’ve heard good things about. If you’re lucky, maybe Jessica will show up in short shorts & fix your engine in some sort of stupid Maximesque fantasy.

A row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS stretches to the end of the block & on the other side of Garfield, there’s the only realtor in this week’s Block-Off!, Re/Max Realty. It’s one of a nationwide franchise of realtors, which means that even if you’re forking over a ton of money for a place, you won’t get as unique of an experience as you would getting a place off of Craigslist.

Then there’s a space that was once Adam & Eve Laser Hair Removal, but I’m pretty sure that it’s closed down, so I’m classifying it as an EMPTY STOREFRONT. It’s at the bottom of a ridiculously huge APARTMENT BUILDING that’s under construction.

Across Carroll, there’s another EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Cattyshack before the owners ended up in a nasty dispute & the place shuttered its doors.

The last two businesses on the block will help fix up your fucked up car. The first—L & B Auto Repair—is no L&B Spumoni Gardens, but then again L&B Spumoni Gardens probably couldn’t give your car an alignment.

The last business of this set of blocks is Park Slope Auto Glass. Last Friday, a fellow co-worker & fellow Brooklynite took his car up to the mean streets of the Upper West Side to meet his parents for dinner. An hour later, when he came out, his window had been smashed in broad daylight & his GPS & XM Radio were totally gone. Park Slope Auto Glass could probably do something for him…now if they could just do something about the rampant crime on the Upper West Side.

Left-hand side:
Con Edison Facilities
Golden Touch Car Wash & Oil Change, 298 4th Ave, 718-855-8400
Great Bear Auto Center, 290 4th Ave, 718-935-1994
4th Ave Burner & Heating Supplies, 284 4th Ave, 718-875-2089
ISA Wholesale Corp, 282 4th Ave, 718-596-8672
MTA 4th Ave-Garfield Pl Substation
Family Car Service, 274 4th Ave, 718-596-0664
ABC Collision, 272 4th Ave, 718-522-3111
Root Hill Café, 262 4th Ave, 718-797-0100
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 260-254 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 252 4th Ave
Mia Vision Optical, 252 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 250 4th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 248 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 246 4th Ave

Right-hand side:
Elements Hair Studio, 321 4th Ave, 718-755-0599
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 319-317 4th Ave
EMPTY WAREHOUSE, 283 4th Ave
McDonalds, 275-281 4th Ave, 718-369-5089
Alba Motors, 271 4th Ave, 718-788-0233
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 265-269 4th Ave
Re/Max Realty, 261 4th Ave, 718-532-2000
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 259 4th Ave, 718-622-2300
APARTMENT BUILDING (UNDER CONSTRUCTION), 259 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 249 4th Ave
L & B Auto Repair, 245 4th Ave, 718-398-6228
Park Slope Auto Glass, 243 4th Ave, 718-230-3900

Scoring
Bonuses – A Cool Café, Electricity, Great Bears
Shames – Six Empty Storefronts, One Hugely Out-of-Scale Building, The Worst Moving Company Ever

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
4TH AVE FROM 9TH ST TO 3RD ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.