BLOCK-OFF! 4th Ave [from 15th to 9th] vs. 6th Ave [from 15th to 9th]

Viva La France! Today’s Bastille Day, folks, and you know what that means. It’s time for you to break out your berets & French Fries/Toast & favorite Francophone albums and get down Paree stylee. Shake your booty like it’s the late 1700’s & you’re French & you’re pissed off at the king & his uppity wife (played by Kirsten Dunst)!

In this, our first week where we’ll be featuring groups of blocks all tag team-like, we’ll be visiting the areas between 15th St & 9th St on both 4th Ave & 6th Ave, pitting 4th against 6th in a totally revolutionary battle. As one team of blocks embodies the monarchical spirit of Louis XVI, it’ll reign for a while before the other team of blocks, embiggened with the soul of the French underclass, will rise up & execute the hell out of peeps. It’ll be quite the reason to break out the baguettes & wine. Let the feastastical, regicidal, prison-storming judging begin!

4th Ave from 15th St to 9th St:
The first business on the block is Reyes Deli & Grocery, a pretty crappy bodega. It’s the sort of place where everything not made by Frito Lay or Hershey’s is dusty looking.

The folks in the next business, EZ Laundry, had a fire around the new year, but it looks like they’re finally fully back up & running. Apparently it’s not that EZ to recover after a fire.

As we cross 14th, we come to the Redeemed Christian Church of God. It’s weird to me, after being raised Catholic in an ornate New Hampshire church, to see these spaces in New York that could house either a church or a laundromat, but I guess God’s everywhere & stuff, so he’s probably even in places without gaudy stained glass windows.

Next to the church is HH1 Real Estate, which is short for “Hot Homes Real Estate.” I was surprised to find that when I looked in the window the other day, there was ACTUALLY A PLACE I COULD AFFORD. It was a rental, of course, but it blew my friggin’ mind.

Rosa Unisex Hair Salon follows it. I haven’t been in yet & probably won’t ever, so I’m going to delude myself into thinking that this place is run by the Pixies’ Surfer Rosa…and she dresses just like the woman on the cover of the album of the same name.

If you’re looking to get some of that good ol’ disgustingly greasy Chinese Food that will slide through your abdominal system with the grace of an Olympic downhill skier, the next establishment—Good Fortune—will do you right.

New Century Superior Market comes next, on the corner of 13th. They’re one of the better bodegas on this stretch of 4th, but the other night, I was in there & the guy in front of me in line threatened to take the guy behind the counter outside & beat his ass. It was slightly disconcerting. All I wanted to do was buy my blueberry beer & go home.

Across 13th St is Park Slope Laundromat, which is located in the shadow of one of the most grossly out-of-scale buildings on the block. Thanks for that hot rezoning action, Bruce Ratner. The laundromat’s pretty cool though. They keep a birdcage out front of the place, so if you’re up for it, you can try out some “Polly Want a Cracker” shit while your laundry dries.

Cantina, on the corner of 12th, is the only Mexican restaurant in this week’s Block-Off! It’s relatively reasonably priced, but the food doesn’t exactly taste like Mexican, so that’s sort of a problem, especially when you’re a Mexican restaurant.

Located just before 11th is Danny’s Rim Shop, one of the best places on 4th Ave to spend your baby’s diaper money on something shiny. Speaking of babies, there’s this intimidating looking dog out front all the time & though I’ve yet to see him eat a baby, I’m anxiously awaiting the day when it happens.

The last block on this side begins with an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be a makeshift place serving food and B Yang Realty, a realty company that’s been around for some twenty years, but doesn’t exactly embody the positive & bright qualities that the name suggests.

L&Z Laundromat is the third laundromat to grace this stretch of 4th Ave. I’m sorry, but the name just looks like “Lazy Laundromat” and that doesn’t instill much confidence in me.

If you need a haircut & a quality haircutting environment doesn’t matter to you, you might try out the second salon on the block—Imagen Unisex. After all, imagen isn’t everything. You don’t have to believe everything that Andre Agassi tells you, you rebel.

The last business on the left-hand side before the 4th/9th subway station is Borisal Liquor & Wine, a tiny shop on the corner encased in bulletproof glass. There’s a Check Cashing place after it, but that shit’s technically on 9th St. Regardless, it’s pretty easy to stumble from there to Borisal so you can easily & quickly blow your guv’ment check on liquor.

On the other side of the street, starting at 15th Street, this stretch of 4th Ave begins with Strauss Discount Auto Service. It’s part of a chain of auto stores throughout the NY/NJ/PA area and is now owned by a Japanese company, which makes sense, since they clearly have a better functioning auto industry than we do.

PS 124, or “The Silas B. Dutcher School” takes up the next block. The kids there think they’re all smart when it comes to fair use, as evidenced by this sweet Youtube PSA. My favorite part is when one kid, who’s talking about global warming warns us that we need to do something about it & asks us, “Do you want your animals to die?” No kid. I sure don’t.

After the school, there’s the Law Offices of Daniel R Miller. If you need to sue your landlord because a chunk of ceiling fell off & cracked your skull open, this Miller guy’s been practicing personal injury law for a quarter of a century, so he probably knows what he’s doing.

Oh boy! Another blah bodega! This one—Adara Imported Gourmet & Deli—is on the corner of 12th though, so I guess that makes it unique.

It’s followed by Pizza Grill, a pretty clean looking, good-sized pizza joint. The pizza’s pretty average, but if I‘m walking home down 4th from the F train & I can’t make it twelve blocks to home before I eat, I’ll stop here.

The newest business on this stretch of 4th is Gourmet Food Market, located on the corner of 11th St. When you compare it to all the low quality bodegas on 4th Ave, this place is like a Whole Foods.

Speaking of low quality bodegas, the next store we come to is H&D Deli & Grocery. The only reason to go here is if you’re walking by & all the other ones in the area are on fire.

The last block on this side starts with an EMPTY STOREFRONT and after Mario’s French Cleaners, there are TWO MORE EMPTY STOREFRONTS. As the most French business in this week’s Block-Off!, even amongst all that desolation, Mario would be extra happy to wash your clothes today. Viva La Revolution!

Left-hand side:
Reyes Deli & Grocery, 532 4th Ave
EZ Laundry, 530 4th Ave, 718-832-5445
Redeemed Christian Church of God, 528 4th Ave, 718-510-3504
HH1 Real Estate, 526 4th Ave, 718-788-5435
Rosa Unisex Hair Salon, 524 4th Ave
Good Fortune, 524 4th Ave, 718-965-1668
New Century Superior Market, 514 4th Ave, 718-768-6310
Park Slope Laundromat, 510 4th Ave, 718-499-2197
Cantina, 494 4th Ave, 718-369-5850
Danny’s Rim Shop, 482 4th Ave, 718-965-4831
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 476 4th Ave
B Yang Realty, 476 4th Ave, 718-499-0333
L&Z Laundromat, 470 4th Ave, 718-832-0793
Imagen Unisex, 468 4th Ave, 718-768-6876
Borisal Liquor & Wine, 468 4th Ave, 718-788-8214

Right-hand side:
Strauss Discount Auto, 527-539 4th Ave, 718-965-0280
PS 124, 515 4th Ave, 718-330-9320
Law Offices of Daniel R Miller, 503 4th Ave, 718-369-2026
Adara Imported Gourmet & Deli, 485 4th Ave, 718-369-2111
Pizza Grill, 471 4th Ave, 718-499-0600
Gourmet Food Market, 469 4th Ave
H&D Deli & Grocery, 463 4th Ave, 718-768-4849
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 459 4th Ave
Mario’s French Cleaners, 457 4th Ave, 718-788-8615
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 455 4th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 453 4th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – A Possible Baby Eating, Convenient Liquor, Kids Warning of Animal Death, A Business With “French” in the Name
Shames – Four Empty Storefronts, Ambiguous Mexican Food, Three Crappy Bodegas

6th Ave from 15th St to 9th St:
Our 6th Ave set of blocks begins on the left-hand side on the corner of 14th, with Slope’s Bistro Restaurant Grill & Bar. For those keeping score at home, it’s a bistro, a restaurant, a grill & a bar. It is not a café, eatery, diner, saloon, lunch counter, beanery, greasy spoon, tearoom, drive-in or chuck wagon. It’s relatively new though & I’ve yet to actually see it open.

On the corner of 12th, there’s Magnolia, which is simply a restaurant & a bar. They’ve been serving American cuisine for a while now & one of the best things about them is that back in 02’ they held an event called “The Great Brooklyn Smoke Out” on the eve of when Bloomberg’s cigarette ban went into effect. Smoking yeah!

It’s followed by Lion Head Realty, which I suppose is a better name than “Lion Mouth Realty.” Either way, whereas you may have the $100K necessary to put towards one of their properties, they’re OOMPR.

The next business, Beansprouts, is basically the preschool NYU of the area, with three locations on this stretch of 6th Ave alone & two more in the vicinity. They’re so hip that they have an entire page of Beansprouts mp3s that you can download. True confession: I’ve been listening to “Wheels on the Bus” for the last four hours straight…round & round, bitchez.

At the corner of 10th, there’s the first laundromat on the block, cleverly named “Suds on 6th.” It’s nothing special, but I guess given its location on 6th, the likelihood that a hobo will stab you here is pretty low.

After the laundromat, there’s another Beansprouts locale. A reminder—to ensure easy breedling retrieval, it’s important to remember which one you left said breedling at earlier in the day. This one’s between 11th & 10th.

440 Gallery, an artists’ collective, occupies the first non-residential space on the next block. There’s currently a “Brooklyn Show” going on there. I guess that makes sense.

This side ends with a non-Beansprouts preschool, Juguemos a Cantar Spanish Institute. Anything to break up the 6th Ave Beansprouts monotony is fine with me. It’s like I’m in an episode of the Filntstones when I’m walking down 6th, for Christ’s sake.

The first business on the other side of 6th is Brownstone Laundromat, located near the corner of 15th St. It’s a laundromat & it’s like part of a brownstone & stuff.

In a few weeks from now, when the summer’s about to drive you batshit crazy & you and fifty of your closest FIPS friends need to get the fuck out of the city, pay a visit to Coach R Us, located right next door to the laundromat. They charter buses & vans to exotic places like Hershey Park & Amish Country. FIPS TRIP TO YONKERS RACEWAY CASINO, ANYONE?

This block actually packs in a few businesses, with Body Work following up Coach R Us. They’re currently having some sort of reopening promotion, so if you need some bodywork done, check it out. BTW, that means massage, not liposuction.

At the end of the block, next to Body Work, there’s Athena Mediterranean Cuisine. They have all sorts of fancy lights & whatnot outside and an open-air environment, but a lot of the time, when I walk past, that open-air environment is because there’s nobody in the place.

Our next restaurant is Red Horse Café, a cute artsy place serving up coffee & desserts & the like. I’ve yet to go, but I’ve heard they have a game night on Thursdays, so I should probably just show up here one week & Boggle the hell out of the place.

If your spine’s all fucked up, you could head over to Elena DeLucia, a chiropractor located on the corner of 12th…& as she’s the only one is this week’s Block-Off!, she’s the best in the immediate area.

Breedlings are getting fatter every day. That’s just science. Luckily, there’s the next business, Early Sprouts. They specialize in teaching kids how to form healthy dietary habits & along the way, the kids get to do some good honest work for a change, in the form of gardening. It’s like Oliver Twist, but with less gruel & whipping.

Since there’s only one bodega in this span of 6th Ave blocks, J&A Grocery, on the corner of 10th, is your only choice. Unless you’re feeling super lazy, you should probably just walk up to 7th.

On the other side of 10th, there’s Scott A. Kupferman Realty/NSK Management. I’m assuming there’s some sort of realty shizz going on in this place, but as to what it is, I couldn’t tell you. Luckily, I don’t care.

Next, we come to our third Beansprouts business—Sprouts. According to their website, this is where the offices are housed, so when you’ve lost your breedling amongst the maze of Beansprouts locations, you should probably go here to see if they know where your breedling has run off to.

For folks who don’t enjoy a soothing, valium-filled existence, there’s Essence of Life, the next to last business on this stretch of 6th. Say you want to attend a full moon ceremony…you can do that here…& it’ll apparently do you some good somehow.

The last business on this portion of 6th is Kidz Cut Zone, the perfect place to give your breedling a hip haircut that’ll put all the other stroller mommies to shame when you meet up on Thursday morning at Tea Lounge for Book Club. In the end, isn’t that really what breedlings are for?

Left-hand side:
Slope’s Bistro Restaurant Grill & Bar, 522 6th Ave, 718-788-1398
Magnolia, 486 6th Ave, 718-369-4814
Lion Head Realty, 480 6th Ave, 718-715-1876
Beansprouts, 454-456 6th Ave, 718-965-8573
Suds on 6th, 450 6th Ave, 718-965-1492
Beansprouts, 446 6th Ave, 718-369-3587
440 Gallery, 440 6th Ave, 718-499-3844
Juguemos a Cantar Spanish Institute, 438 6th Ave, 917-453-1187

Right-hand side:
Brownstone Laundromat, 549 6th Ave, 718-499-7920
Coach R Us, 547 6th Ave, 718-768-0894
Body Work, 535 6th Ave, 718-369-2829
Athena Mediterranean Cuisine, 535 6th Ave, 718-965-4578
Red Horse Café, 497 6th Ave, 718-499-4973
Elena DeLucia, 497 6th Ave, 718-499-7175
Early Sprouts, 463 6th Ave, 718-788-0450
J&A Grocery, 461 6th Ave
Scott A. Kupferman Realty/NSK Management, 459 6th Ave, 718-768-0099
Sprouts, 453 6th Ave, 718-965-8573
Essence of Life, 451 6th Ave, 718-788-8783
Kidz Cut Zone, 447 6th Ave, 718-369-4700

Scoring
Bonuses – An Art Gallery, A Way Out of This City, A Way to Show Up the Other Mommies
Shames – A Confused Restaurant, Too Many Beansprouts

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
6TH AVE FROM 15TH ST TO 9TH ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.

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