Barclays Center Ankle Deep in Pee-Pee Scandal

According to New York Magazine, "Park Slope is Now Just a Big Puddle of Urine."

Though that sentiment may be a bit overdramatic, Park Slope residents living around the Barclays Center have been complaining recently about show patrons are peeing all over the 'hood. Whether it be against the Modells’ brick walls on Fourth and Atlantic or into the rose bushes of the Brooklyn Bears Community Garden on Pacific and Flatbush, the urine has been flowing freely since the Barclays opening.

A Brooklyn Bear Community garden keeper recently stopped a wayward pee-er before he unloaded all over her hard work. "He was about to release himself on the bushes and I told him, 'Hey, the plants!,'" she explained to NY Magazine. "He was right by the rose bushes, poor babies, a few feet from the grape vines I planted this year." Apparently, the key to stopping horrible people with an uncontrollable urge to destroy beautiful things using the filthy contents of their bladder is by yelling, “Hey, the plants!” The garden keeper goes on to explain that once she uttered those words, the man zipped up and ran off, presumably to unload himself elsewhere.

I have a theory about this whole thing, though. What if, maybe, just maybe, these schlong distance callers have been doing this for years, and it’s only thanks to the Barclays Center’s big, bright lights that residents are now noticing it? I’ll tell you why I have this theory: I have peed on almost every goddamned corner in Park Slope, and have done so since long before the Barclays Center was even a glimmer in Bruce Ratner's eyes.

In fact, the one time I’ve had to go to court (I know: only one time?) was for peeing in public on Fourth Ave. When the undercover cops rolled up, I told them to "wait a sec" while I finished peeing. They were very nice about the whole thing, despite giving me that summons.

(Pro-Tip: this kind of thing is a “quality of life” violation therefore, in court, one will have the choice to go to a 30 minute “class” where everyone talks about what they did and why it was wrong, instead of facing a judge. If you ever find yourself in this situation, take that option. It guarantees that your record will be expunged but, more importantly, you’ll never forget the crazy stories heard in that class.)

In short, the next time you see someone peeing freely in a public space by the Barclays Center, be grateful. Chances are, whoever's doing it was likely going to do it even without the giant arena there, but no one would have noticed. Now with the hyper-vigilance the stadium has provoked in residents, people are starting to take notice.

In other Barclays-related news, we hear that cell phone reception in the area sucks during shows. Have you noticed this? Let us know. Because public urination is one thing, but fucking up cell phone reception is just downright unacceptable.