A FiPS Guide To Holiday Movies

When it comes to holiday movies, we've got way to many choices these days: It's a Wonderful Life on NBC, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS, some Lifetime movie about a strong woman overcoming a large emotional obstacle around Christmas time starring Meredith Baxter, no doubt. But let's face it -- we can't spend all of our holiday vacation watching movies. We need to devote some of that time to napping or trips to the mall for returning lame gifts (I'm lookin' at you, low-carb cookbook). So we here at FiPS have each selected our favorites, which we present, should you be looking for some typical (and no so typical) holiday movie suggestions. Enjoy, and have yourself a merry little whatever you celebrate this time of year! 

ROSHOW'S PICK: Scrooged (1988)

Bill Murray is at his best playing Frank Cross, a selfish TV exec who gets his ass kicked by the three ghosts of Christmas into realizing he doesn't have to be a dick. It's a wonderful little adventure. My favorite memory of Scrooged is watching last year with my wife, on the couch after a long day with a lot of family. It was our real Christmas.

SHAWN'S PICK: Santa Slay (2005)

Jack Frost. Silent Night, Deadly Night. Gremlins. ALL stupendous examples of the Christmas horror film but for my dollar, Santa's Slay (2005) takes the proverbial fruitcake. It's a ridiculously hilarious holiday horror film starring former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa who comes to a town called Hell Township and starts a-murderin' peeps in holiday-themed ways...think wreath stranglings & menorah impalings. As the film reveals, he's actually a child of Satan. It makes TOTAL sense. After all, they do have the same letters in their name. As such, his sleigh is driven by "Hell Deer."

Throughout the film, Goldberg's Santa dispenses wise-crackin', Freddy Kruegeresque lines while he's a-murderin', lines like "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!" and "Looks like grandpa got run over by a reindeer." It also stars Claire from LOST & the dude who played Ben on Big Love. It also features an opening scene where Santa murders both Chris Kattan AND Fran Drescher. That scene alone is a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

KERRI'S PICK: Mixed Nuts (1994)

Every Christmas Eve, I settle in on the couch with my dog, crack open a deli pack of American cheese and begin the epic journey that is the 24-hour TBS marathon of A Christmas Story. However, now and then I need a break from BB guns, lady leg lamps and triple dog dares WHILST continuing to maintain the holiday spirit. So I turn to Mixed Nuts. This film, about a small, suicide hotline company struggling to stay afloat during the holidays, is chock-full of great actors: Steve Martin, Liev Schreiber, Gary Shandling, Juliette Lewis, Rita Wilson, Rob Reiner -- even Jon Stewart and Parker Posey have minor roles. But the greatest thing about this film -- the piéce de résistance -- is Miss Madeline Kahn in the role of tightass suicide hotline worker, Mrs. Munchnik. The above clip is my favorite scene, in which she becomes trapped in an elevator.  

JUSTIN'S PICK: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

For me, nothing captures the spirit of the holidays like Christmas Vacation. This John Hughes masterpiece has all the elements of a late 80's Christmas classic: Beautiful suburban Chicago house doused in lights, Beverly D'Angelo in a wide array of awesome sweaters, an electrocuted cat, Julia Louis Dreyfus and some guy as the douchey neighbors. I mean Juliette Lewis's sardonic staring alone makes it a classic. My all time favorite moment is Clark W. Grisold fantasizing about the shop girl who recently sold him gloves for his wife ("it's a wee bit nipply out"), and diving into his imaginary pool to the tune of "Mele Kalikimaka." As the movie poster promised, "Yule crack up."

Thomas's Pick: The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

My favorite holiday movie isn't a Christmas movie, but is actually a film set on New Year's Eve when a gigantic tidal wave capsizes a huge ocean liner.  Gene Hackman and his comb-over help a rag-tag bunch of passengers, including an ex-hooker, a dingbat lounge singer, and a couple of retired Jews as they try to climb to safety. Pamela Sue Martin wears red hot pants.  Shelley Winters is submerged in water. Hijinks ensue. Based on the number of Poseidon Adventure-themed New Years Eve celebrations I've been invited to over the year, I've long assumed that every gay man in the entire universe has committed the entire film to memory.  But for the rest of you, if you've not yet watched this film, you're really missing out.

ERICA'S PICK: BRIDESMAIDS (2011)

Is there even such a thing as a Hanukkah holiday movie? I don't think so. No one gives a shit about the Jews...even though we run Hollywood. I suggest Bridesmaids. It's mind blowingly funny and will help you cope with the sad fact that there are no holiday movies for you and also Santa has no fucking clue where you live.

JESS'S PICK: Home alone (1990)

Though The Grinch is pretty much a family tradition to watch each year, and my mother always gets teary eyed when the Grinch's heart grows as if she'd never seen it before, my favorite memories are of my brother and I watching Home Alone and laughing our asses off at it. No matter how old we've gotten, it's still hilarious. We'd always lose it most when Marv has the tarantula on his face and screams like a little girl. We'd recite the same key scene in unison along with the movie: "Get your ugly, yella, no good kiester off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead!" Ah, good times.

NINEDAVE'S PICK: A Diva's Christmas Carol (2000)

I like my Christmas movies campy as all hell, which is why I’m a sucker for A Diva’s Christmas Carol,  the 2000 VH1 original movie which tells the tale of Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol through the eyes of a bitchy pop singer in the music industry. Vanessa L. Williams stars as Ebony Scrooge (see what they did there?), a Diana Ross-esque singing sensation with a bad attitude who stepped on the members of her former girl-group to rise to solo stardom. But when the ghost of her former bandmate Marli Jacob (TLC’s Chilli Thomas) pays her a visit, and brings along those three other famous ghosts, Ebony begins to see the error of her ways.

It’s a totally silly execution on a timeless story. But that doesn’t mean I don’t basically love everything about A Diva’s Christmas Carol. I mean, the dialog is super cheesy (“These people have no idea how to treat a superstar!”). The guest cameos, amazing (in addition to Chilli, we get Kathy Griffin and Duran Duran’s John Taylor as the Ghost of Christmas Past and Present, respectively). The VH1 product placement is shameless (The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is imagined as a Behind the Music special). Even the taglines were amazing (see: “Christmas can be such a bitch” and “’Tis the season to be nasty!”). But Vanessa L. Williams plays the best of bitches, and completely sells the film (you can see the groundwork for her turn as Wilhelmina Slater on Ugly Betty). And did I mention there’s music?!? That’s right – Ebony’s group ‘Desire’ sings their #1 hit “Heartquake.” It’ll be in your head for weeks to come. 

A Diva’s Christmas Carol isn’t on Netflix for some reason, but luckily, I already own it on DVD. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, Lifetime will air it on Christmas Eve at 10pm (and again on Christmas morning at 2am). Believe me...you’ll want to TIVO that shit.