[New Girl] In Park Slope: My First Week
Effed in Park Slope | Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 8:32AM 
This is an ongoing series in which we attempt to bring you lots 'o different perspectives on what its like to *actually* live in Park Slope...from readers just like you (or not--that's the whole point).
Remember the randy, SF ex-pat, former Billyburger, future literary wunderkind wannabe: Caitlin? Well, she's back.
So two days after Christmas my dad and I packed up an unmarked white van and drove down from Boston to Paaaarrrkkk Slooooppe. Dads had never been here before, and honestly, we still could have been in Connecticut when he was all, "I think we're here!" because I don't know Park Slope from New Haven. I am new. So screw me. I mean sue me!
That night some friends came over and they were all, "Dude, BAR CRAWL! You gotta!" and I am like, "DUDES, I just spent my entire day in the back of an unmarked white van." But they won and I lost and off we went to Buttermilk. Buttermilk turns out to be less than two blocks from my house, which is good because I like to get drunk and not have to take a cab home. We stay for one whiskey each and then off to Commonwealth we stumbled. Commonwealth seemed alright enough, and unbeknownst to me, it would later serve as the floor space for my 25th birthday party the following weekend when Buttermilk decided to host another party of over 100 people for something wedding related (what the fuck? who does that? rent a hall in Long Island City, ya turds!).
Things started to get blurry pretty quickly and I think we ended up at some place with disco lights that looked like a spaceship. I don't remember what it was called...We were three girls and a dude at that point and I think the whole night deteriorated when one of us (not naming names!) was like, "Single Ladies!!!!! 2009!!!!!Whoohooo!!!"...So I housed my beer and my new roommate and I galloped home and into our respective caves. Bar crawl, indeed.
The next day a friend came over to help blow the Target gift-cards I got for Christmas. "I am just warning you" he said, "This Target totally sucks. I hope you brought a list." We actually walked the whole way to Atlantic Center, a good two miles down 5th ave, so I got to judge coffee shops and plan my brunches for the next six months (sidebar: I just got into bacon. Any brunch-spot suggestions for a thing like that?).
When we got to Target I was immediately overwhelmed. I wanted to curl up on the floor but I thought I saw bedbugs. We were there for all of 45 minutes when our mutual blood sugar dropped and my friend began throwing frozen pizzas and Velveeta and chips into my pretty much empty cart. I looked around. There was nothing there I wanted. I mean, not even socks or coat hangers. I still somehow managed to spend $80. "Can we take a cab?" He suggested, as his eyes welled up with tears and I heard the growl of his stomach echo against the empty shelves of the housewares section. "I'll pay." He nursed a Mountain Dew that he pulled out of God-knows-where.
When we got home he boiled up a pot of Velveeta and sunk into five, nay six, hours of VH1. "Let's never go there again." I put my head on his shoulder. He reciprocated with a belch.
What else? What else? Oh, I've taken two friends to Daisy's Diner. I almost bought a dress at Brooklyn Industries. I had a birthday party at Commonwealth and drank so much that I gave a toast to the entire bar, agreed to go on like four dates (where should we go???), crawled on the floor, and had a shot of bourbon with the bartender around 4:05am (hi Sheila!).
I don't know guys. Park Slope seems pretty okay to me.
I've only crashed in Greenpoint once, and that was because I ate too much pizza and it was raining.... Oh, wait, also, I went to Perch with an out of town friend and there was a baby party! Like a baby playgroup! And all the babies were breastfeeding and one of them looked at me and I may have cooed. The out of town friend was from L.A., so I think he was just confused, but I was like, "Yes! Nature! I love Park Slope!" and continued to drink my large white tea with honey.
Later that night I think I got stuck on the F train for an hour. Does that happen a lot? I don't know, you tell me!
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Reader Comments (6)
gross
Let's bang.
Um, I mean date.
is this character supposed to be likeable? She sounds like an undereducated West Coast transplant who does nothing but consume and spread STDs. She's got to have culture shock sometime... or maybe she's too busy watching VH1 for that.
harsh!
Yeah, for reals! I like the New Girl, so back off anon 8:50
i call first dibs on dating this girl...