BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 15th & 14th] vs. 5th Ave [btwn 14th & 13th]
parowpyro | Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 12:22AM 
In my efforts to review every single block of Park Slope, I’ve decided to start by working my way down 5th Ave, 7th Ave’s drunker, sluttier cousin.
Today we’re pitting 5th Avenue from 15th Street to 14th Street against 5th Avenue from 14th Street to 13th Street by superficially & off-handedly judging their collective block merits. At the end, only one block will be left standing & that block will win the coveted BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK award…let the unscientific judging begin!
5th Avenue from 15th Street to 14th Street:
As you walk up 5th Ave in the direction of Flatbush Ave, the first thing you come to on the left-hand side is a Blockbuster Video. Personally, largely due to the existence of independent video stores & the advent of Netflix, I haven’t stepped foot in a Blockbuster in years & if me & my conscience & highfalutin film degree have our way, we never will again.
Next to it is a Rent-A-Center. For years, I thought that Rent-A-Centers served the sole purpose of renting out big-screen TVs for Super Bowl parties or beds for nights when you think the impression of bed ownership might be important toward scoring with a blind date. It turns out that their service actually allows you to rent-to-own, which makes a lot more sense as a business model.
Downstairs from the Rent-A-Center is Park Slope Billiards. As someone who truly believes that the only hope for improving his pool game is more beer, I’ve yet to play a round of pool here, but from those I know who have been there, it’s definitely a pool hall, with tables & balls & everything.
Next door to it is G&E 99 Cent Store, with its disheveled aisles of bargains. I bought some toilet paper and/or a bar of Zest soap here once.
Adjacent to that is G&M Suits Outlet. I have a feeling that their current “warehouse suits sale” might be a regular occurrence, but if you need a new suit for your first job interview since being laid off back in October, you should hurry over right now just in case & take advantage of the obvious savings.
At the end of the block is Bank of America (ed note: FUCK BOA...they don't even get a link). I’m originally a Bostonian & watched as my BayBank account became a BankBoston account & then a Fleet Bank account before moving to Bank of America. After years of abuse, early last year I finally broke it off with Bank of America, but I keep them in my memory…in the same place that also contains public fingernail clipping & food poisoning.
On the other side of the street, there’s an empty storefront that used to be a produce mart. It’s for rent if you’re looking.
The first business still standing on this side of the block is Tina Nails. Largely because it’s not culturally acceptable, I’ve never felt the need to get my nails did beyond a manicure, but the place looks nice & I’m sure Tina et al do a fine job.
Next to that is TP Houseware & Gift, featuring housewares & gifts and upstairs from them, there’s South Slope Bikram Yoga. I once dated a girl who, while were dating, learned yoga from one of her girlfriends & then later slept with that same girlfriend, so yoga’s always rubbed me the wrong way, but other people seem to like it. The Bikram style of yoga combines those yoga techniques with a hot, humid environment & in recent years, partly due to its founder’s aggressive copyrighting & franchising, it’s seen an explosion in popularity.
Continuing down the block, there’s Young’s Market, a bodega with healthy nut & berry mixes & typically some of the better produce in the area (although I’ve had trouble finding a ripe & ready avocado there).
After Young’s Market there’s Jasmine’s Floral Designs & Bay River Wine and Liquors, so you can get your lovely flowers & a fifth of cheap vodka & $50 worth of scratch tickets all in one trip.
Then there’s another nail salon, Nice Nails. It looks as nice as Tina’s.
After that is Brooklyn Eyeworks Optical, which, at this point, due to my awesomely superior eyesight, I’m lucky enough to not have to patronize. From what I hear though, they’re good people & helpful & such.
Princess Pizza and Restaurant is at the end of the block. It’s basically your standard pizza joint, but it actually bucks pizza joint trends with a bright atmosphere & an exterior that is pretty much all windows, so eating there doesn’t make you feel like you’re shoved in a dark pizza joint corner with your slice.
Left-hand side:
Blockbuster Video, 550 5th Ave, 718-788-8986
Rent-A-Center, 550 5th Ave, 718-965-6750
Park Slope Billiards, 550 5th Ave, 718-788-3645
G&E 99 Cent, 542 5th Ave, 718-965-6480
G&M Suits Outlet, 538 5th Ave, 718-768-1100
Bank of America, 534 5th Ave, 800-432-1000
Right-hand side:
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 555 5th Ave
Tina Beauty Nails, 555 5th Ave, 718-369-1908
South Slope Bikram Yoga, 555 5th Ave, 718-788-3688
TP Houseware & Gift, 555 5th Ave
Young’s Market, 545 5th Ave, 718-788-5506
Jasmine’s Floral Designs, 543 5th Ave, 718-965-0259
Bay River Wine and Liquors, 539 5th Ave, 718-788-5402
Nice Nails, 537 5th Ave, 718-768-6423
Brooklyn Eyeworks Optical, 537 5th Ave, 718-768-1780
Princess Pizza and Restaurant, 535 5th Ave, 718-788-9111
Scoring
Bonuses – one cool hangout, one booze procurement facility, one pizza joint, one good local business
Shames – two evil businesses, one empty storefront, one trendy business
5th Avenue From 14th Street to 13th Street:
In high school & college, I worked at a Foot Action in a mall in Salem, NH, where I learned the wonders of the add-on sale, the mysteries behind Nike’s air technology and the fun that can be had with a life-size cardboard cutout of Shaq. These days, I can’t step foot in a corporate sneaker store. In addition, years back, I made a conscious decision to limit the amount/visibility of logos on my clothing & vowed to never again sport a Nike swoosh. As such, Foot Locker, the first business on the block, has a window display featuring a wealth of products that are basically dead to me.
There’s a Rainbow Plus next to Foot Locker & if I was a Jonas Brothers loving tween in search of a slightly-shiny slightly-skanky outfit, I’d definitely shop here & then head next door to Radio Shack to pick up any necessary cables or adapters or whatnot...maybe a bejeweled skin for my cellular telephone.
Moving down the block, there’s H&A Jewelry and Accurate One-Hour Photo. From the outside, both places are dark & scary.
Fabco Shoes is next door to them. According to their website, they’re “The #1 Family Shoe Chain in NY/NJ.” Since that’s pretty much the only thing on their website other than the contact info, I’m assuming that award wasn’t based on internet presence.
As of a few months back, there’s now a 7-Eleven on the block, which has been crucial in upping the amount of Slurpee coursing through my veins at 3am.
At the end of the block is Tower Electronics Center, whose sign is missing the “T” at the beginning, rendering them “Ower Electronics Center.” This does not instill confidence in the long-term implications of their “EZ CREDIT APPLY TODAY” program.
On the other side of the street, the block starts at 14th St with a WaMu. Last year, I fled the evilness of Bank of America for WaMu & its wide-open robber-friendly atmosphere. I’m not sure how much longer this WaMu branch has on this earth, since there’s a Chase Bank a few blocks down 5th Ave & Chase will eventually rebrand & consolidate all the WaMu branches it snapped up in last year’s economic collapse going-out-of-business sale, but for now, it’s my banking location of choice.
If my video game console ownership advanced beyond the original PlayStation, I’m sure I’d frequent the GameStop next door to the WaMu. The tween boys seem to love the place…although that could be so that they can spy on all the tween girls across the street at Rainbow Plus.
Next door to GameStop is 5th Ave Jewelry. One of these days, I hope to have the need for a jewelry store, but until then, this place (and H&A Jewelry across the street) is about as important to me as anything featuring Kevin James.
Next to that is Bagels & Wraps. I’m not sure what they have in there.
Then there’s Monteli Travel. I wasn’t aware that anyone still booked travel without using the internet, but since this place exists, apparently people still do.
The block ends with two empty storefronts, one of which is retail space at the bottom of a new apartment building on the corner, a building with a slick gray exterior that clashes splendidly with the rest of the buildings in the area.
Left-hand side:
Foot Locker, 532 5th Ave, 718-840-0872
Rainbow Plus, 530 5th Ave, 718-499-3913
Radio Shack, 528 5th Ave, 718-767-5527
H&A Jewelry, 526 5th Ave, 718-768-9666
Accurate One-Hour Photo, 524A 5th Ave
Fabco Shoes, 522 5th Ave, 718-788-0954
7-Eleven, 520 5th Ave, 718-499-0248
Tower Electronics Center, 518 5th Ave, 718-499-4978
Right-hand side:
WaMu, 533 5th Ave, 800-788-7000
GameStop, 527 5th Ave, 718-499-0190
5th Ave Jewelry, 525 5th Ave, 718-788-3506
Bagels & Wraps, 523 5th Ave, 718-768-1052
Monteli Travel, 521 5th Ave, 718-499-6144
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 519 5th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 515 5th Ave
Scoring
Bonuses – one fun spot, one Slurpee joint, one breakfast spot, one non-threatening bank
Shames – one evil business, one busted sign, two empty storefronts
BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVENUE FROM 15TH STREET TO 14TH STREET
Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com
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Reader Comments (3)
Dude a 7-11 alone makes 13th bt 14th the winner. You insane? Slurpees in the Slope, how is this even a competition?
Excellent post! How long did it take you to research? I don't envy you being out and taking notes on a cold, wet notepad in this shitty weather.
Obvi this block off only works because everything is relative... if you had done 5th btwn 14th/15th against 5th btwn Carroll and Union there would be no competition.
The REAL park slope (north of 9th street)
is
simply
better.
Clipping your fingernails in public lands you in my chamber of death.
Nice work, my friend. Keep 'em coming.