Xmas Songs for Scrooges and Grinches - Holiday Tunes That Don't Make My Teeth Ache

Chanukah and Thanksgiving are in our collective rear-view mirrors (reason enough for giving thanks, as far as this ½ Jewish Grinch is concerned), but Christmas is still steamrolling towards us, and with it comes some of the most god-awful tunes ever composed, sung,  and recorded. Pretty much ‘tis the season to walk around with knitting needles jammed in your ears, the better to avoid the mental anguish of hearing some of this shit thinly disguised as music, in favor of the agonizing physical pain of pointed metal sticks driven into your brain.  

But even I admit there are a handful of holiday tunes that don’t send me looking for bridges over icy rivers and open windows on high floors. If you’re lucky, you’ll hit one of these bearable few as you elbow your way past exasperated and desperate shoppers who are big fuck-ups and have waited till the last coupla weeks to shop, ike you. 

I’ve tried to match up each likable ditty with a neighborhood store or bar or resto where I think you’re most likely to hear it, based on my own specious and sometimes research-free perceptions.

The Song: Christmas, Baby Please Come Home

The Skinny: Darlene Love and Phil Specter and some backup mix of his regular crew of girls (nobody’s cover will do, only this version is allowed); plus Phil Spector’s bizarre-o spoken Christmas message to You, the Listener – where he sounds a hell of a lot like Squiggy -- at the beginning (or maybe it’s at the end?) of his iconic Xmas album

The Store: Leaf & Bean 

The Song: Christmas Time Is Here – Vince Guaraldi Trio doing any part of the Charlie Brown Xmas special score

The Skinny: If it’s one of the more melancholy strains, you may end up teary-eyed.

The Store: Café Regular

The Song: Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth

The Skinny: - David Bowie and Bing Crosby's freakazoid yet beautiful duet of “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth.” Check out the video, man. Bing and the Thin White Duke making small talk

The Store: Café Dada

The Song: Run, Run Rudolph -Chuck Berry

The Skinny: Classic Chuck riff, this time about some cat named “Rudolph”

The Store: Trois Pommes, un-intuitively, which has an oddly un-thematic classic rock thing going on in there. (Where’s the Piaf?)

The Song: Santa Claus is Comin' to Town – Bruce Springsteen

The Skinny: It’s all about Bruce’s delivery (emphasis on “Comin’”), turns this junky, jangly kids’ song into a rock-n-roll anthem

The Store: Tea Lounge, depending on the Baristas and T-ristas on duty

The Song: Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys

The Skinny: Strictly for Beach Boys fans (guilty!), this is Little Deuce Coupe, dressed up with tinsel

The Store: Little Things

The Song: Blue Christmas - from the Elvis '68 Comeback Special

The Skinny: Elvis in head-to-toe black leather, and looking lean. I’m right there with the screaming chicks – sexiest rendition of a xmas song ever?

The Store: Two Lovers

The Song: The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting...)  - Frank Sinatra

The Skinny: in anyone else’s hands, this can be sickening but Sinatra and Riddle know what to do. Nat “King” Cole’s version is tolerable, too.

The Store: Starbucks. Starbucks, Starbucks, and also Starbucks.

The Song: Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt  

The Skinny: sexy and blatantly commercial – refreshing!

The Store: Goldy & Mac

The Song: Let It Snow Dean Martin rendition (suave) – I’ve brought me some corn for poppin… also [not quite as] acceptable: Let It SnowSinatra rendition (swingin’)

The Skinny: Christmas music for lounge lizards

The Store: Beauty Bar

The Song: Christmas in Hollis – Run-DMC

The Skinny: Name-checking the childhood neighborhood in Queens of Russell Simmons + collard greens

The Store: Brooklyn Industries, wrong borough, but acting all hip-hop and shit

The Song: 2000 Miles - Pretenders 

The Skinny: Chrissie's voice tempers any threat of over-done sentimentality. 

The Store: Diane Kane

The Song: River  - Joni Mitchell 

The Skinny: Why don't you just kill us, Joni?

The Store: The Coop

The Song: Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses

The Skinny: Not to be confused with the "Square Pegs" theme song, though it may actually be the same song

The Store: Annie’s General Store

Special Notice: Bringing the Funny to Christmas

The Video: O Holy Night - Paul Schaeffer’s 15 second impersonation of Cher singing “O Holy Night” 

The Skinny: heh heh, Paul said “muff.”

Where: YouTube.

The Video: Christmas for the Jews – Darlene Love/SNL Digital Short

The Skinny: Like a classic Phil Spector song, but with Claymation and hilarious lyrics. “Maybe this year, they’ll learn to handle their booze… It’s Christmastime for the Jews”

Where: Hulu.com

And the worst? Too easy, too many to make a comprehensive list, but here are 3 particularly soul-crushing candidates:

Non-Berry Rudolph: Neergaard

Frosty the Snowman: Key Food

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Save-on-Fifth

What’s on your list? Check it twice, naughty or nice!