TV RECAPS: I Gotta Get This Shit Off My Chest

Look: I know if you follow my ass on Twitter, you're probably used to all of my annoying TV tweets (and so I owe you a double apology) but I just gotta get some shit off my chest about the bazillion TV shows I watch, and 140 chars ain't gonna do it.

Here I go:

The Hills:

The fact that I still watch this show is so embarrassing for me, I think I'd rather admit that I have an STD. And in fact, I think having an STD might be more pleasant than participating in the insanity that is this show. But also I'm at the point where I'm actually feeling REALLY bad for Heidi. Spencer is a vile, disgusting, controlling, insane little troll. He's already pulled Heidi into his craziness, somehow making her feel so bad about herself that she decided to get 1100 plastic surgery operations, resulting in her looking like Michael Jackson's twin sister. She's so crazy, she thinks that shit looks good. Those two cover themselves in crystals, and spend all their time trying to convince each other that their TOTALLYFUCKINGCRAZY behavior is normal, and that they're happy (despite the fact that they are obvs miserable). Newsflash: when Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag start looking like the fucking "normal" ones, you know you have a problem. Bottom line: this shit is starting to feel icky. Like this isn't fun, LA, la, la, la, girls having a good time. This is: these two people need to be committed to an institution and/or go do a show with Dr. Drew immeds. MAKE. IT. STOP.

The City:

Congratulations Elle Magazine: I officially refuse to EVER buy a copy of your magazine again, thanks to the fact that you have been pretending for TWO YEARS that Olivia Palermo is worth the space she takes up in the universe. She is not. She is a moron...and she's a brat...and the fact that she can pick out a fabulous vintage Bulgari necklace makes her just like 76% of the rest of the population who, when faced with a choice of 10 gorgeous, vintage, diamond Bulgari necklaces, could also pick out a nice one. I see her on the screen and I literally want to punch myself in the face. Joe: LET IT GO. The fact that you are constantly defending her to Erin, making her say "Olivia did a great job" and bascially acting like a whiny, high school girl has ensured that any level of respect I may have once had for you and your magazine is gone, and buried, and burned at the cross. Erin should be the fashion director of that magazine...she's the only bitch in that entire office with any sort of a head on her shoulders. As for Whit: please do not renew your contract next year with MTV. Fact of the matter is: you are not meant to be on a reality show. You are normal and sweet and that just doesn't make for good reality TV. The only, and I mean ONLY time shit gets interesting on this show is when Kelly Cutrone or Roxy are part of the storyline spicing things up. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Gossip Girl

Aside from Chuck-n-Blair, everyone on this show can go suck a dizzle. Especially Little J, who deserves to be murdered, raped, and then murdered some more. Like if I had to watch graphic scenes of her eyeballs being carved out by a rusty old hunting knife, I would REALLY REALLY enjoy that. Chuck is obvs not dead...cause if he is, I would google the names of every CW executive I could find, track down their addresses and then pay Spencer Pratt to go over and "crazify" the situation.

Lost

Last weeks ep sucked a dick, this weeks ep ruled my face. I know full well that the chances of me digging the finale are slim to none (the only series finale I've really ever loved was Six Feet Under), but maybe I'll be surprised. Also: I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to watch the finale live, cause I'm gonna be out at a wedding in LA and hanging with my family and ZOMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO WATCH THAT SHIT WITH ALL Y'ALL. My plan is to either:

A. sneak away on Sunday night for 4 hours or

B. Bit torrent the shit outta that in my hotel room on Sunday, go dark (and not look at Twitter) and then watch on the plane ride home. Fuck...that might require an extra battery too. FML.

Vampire Diaries

I started taping this show mostly b/c I used to love Dawson's Creek and I was kind of curious. I thought I would let some eps build up on Tivo and then catch up every few weeks. Well FUCK THAT NOISE. This show surprised the living shit out of me...because it was good. REALLY, REALLY, GOOD. If you don't watch it, you are cray cray. And the finale!? ZOMGS, that shit was like hot sex on a stick. Loved it.

Real Housewives of New Jersey

Holy shit you suck. 3 eps in and I'm so fucking bored, I didn't even remember to watch you this Tuesday night until I saw someone tweeting about it. Your first season was epic...your second season is a snooze-fest.

Real Housewives of New York

On the other hand, this bitch has been like the best season of reality TV I HAVE EVER SEEN. Last week's ep, in particular, was so mind bendingly fabulous, I still haven't deleted it from my tivo. In fact, if any of you missed it, I urge you to come over to FIPS HQ immeds...i would consider it a public service to my community to sit you down and make you watch that ep from start to finish. Let me just say this: EVERYTHING TASTES BETTER ON A MOTHERFUCKING YACHT. Also, Kelly Bensimon needs to join Spencer and Heidi in the hoo hoo house. Like the fact that she is in charge of two small children, is almost worth a 311 phonecall to report her to the authorities. A choice line from last week's ep: "I don't eat processed foods." (two secs later) "I love gummi bears!!!" And much like I will now never buy a copy of Elle Magazine thanks to Olivia Palermo, I am *certain* that Columbia University is losing applicants based on the fact that Kelly keeps claiming she went there. She is, honest to God, the stupidest human being I have ever come across in my life. And if she's not doing coke (which CLEARLY she is), she has multiple personalities...or she's schizo. Or, who are we kidding: both. Alex-n-Simon rock, and as per u, I'm way on Team Bethenney. Jill is vile and pathetic and I feel bad for her...even Gloria can't protect her from her disgusting behavior this season. Luann is just sad and lame...she's the Mr. Smithers of RHONYC. Also, I GET THAT YOU ARE PART INDIAN...enough with the native American jewelry-n-shit!!! Sheesh! Also: that moment of you kissing that douchey guy was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen on TV.

9 By Design

LOVES IT. Read my recaps on my new BLAHG: Design Blahg.

Glee

While I loved the shit outta the Madonna ep, I must confess that it's just been ok for me, dawg in recent weeks. I'm hoping shit will pick up again...I'm not even sure what I haven't been loving about it, but I'm kind of just feeling eh about it.

American Idol

TOTALLY. FUCKING. UNWATCHABLE

Brothers & Sisters

Was pretty good this season! The car accident in the season finale was sadz, but as Rob Lowe showed his ass up on Parks & Rec last week, so it wasn't really a big surprise.

Parks & Rec

Rules my face.

Modern Family

SRSLY rules my face.

So You Think You Can Dance

PREMIERES MAY 27TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bachelorette

Why, why, WHY do I watch this shit?? I DON'T KNOW?!! BUT IT PREMIERES ON Monday, May 24th!! That's next Monday! GAAAAAAAH!

Phew, That felt good!