SUCKS/RULES: Why [Blogging] Totally Fucking Sucks

If you're bored out of your mind, and need something to do just for kicks, start researching the "how to blog" scene. Between Google (391,000,000 results), Twitter and a few choice sites like Read, Write, Web, Copyblogger & the pre-eminent emperor of all blogging advice, Pro Blogger, you're gonna be busy learning all about this "how to blog" shit until Dakota Fanning grows pubes.

There are somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 bajillion articles (I've counted) on the following topics: how to engage your readers, how to monetize your readers, how to write posts that your readers are gonna like reading, how to think of ideas for posts, how to use randomly linked words in the middle of your posts to earn extra income so you can buy more weed, how to market your blog, how to publicize your blog, how to build your "personal brand," how to ruin your "personal brand," how to use Twitter and other social networks in conjunction with your blog, how to ensure your readers will keep coming back to your blog, how to use statistical data to understand whether readers ARE or NOT coming back to your blog, how to blog about your personal life, how to not blog about your personal life, how to get your readers to give you a virtual blow job...DO YOU GET IT YET???

Of course you don't...and neither do I for that matter. That's why you, me, and 9 outta 10 bloggers keep eating this shit up like its a pile of blow in the bathroom at Lindsay Lohans B-day Party. Well, here's something you don't read about often, but I'm gonna tell you anyway: Blogging totally fucking sucks.

Yes, I mean it and yes, I'm 100% serious, people.

Wanna start a blog? DON'T. Most people just start blogs and then just let them die, so what's the fucking point anyway?

*Still* want to start a blog cause you have a really, really, rully great idea that's totally different than anything that's out there? NO YOU DON'T.

*STILL* want to start a blog cause you're serious this time, and are POSITIVE that you can make some money at this whole thing? YOU CAN'T.

Any questions?

Cause this is the kinda shit you ain't gonna read about on any of these other tips-tricks-n-tweaks how-to blogs. I mean, duh, they want you to keep coming back for more. And I don't mean to be an asshole about any of this--really I don't. But you guys should know the truth.

And the truth is, if you want a blog that anyone gives a shit about besides your mom, you're gonna have to update that motherfucker a lot (personally, I'm on the everyday train). And however much time you *think* that's gonna take, go ahead and quadruple that.

Here's a typical evening in my life as a blogger:

7pm: get home from work (in case you're confused about my blog job and my real job, my real job is the one that PAYS ME). I'm totally fucking starving

7:03pm: order Istanbul

7:45: I'm exhausted, and cranky, and just wanna watch Celebrity Sex Rehab, but I have nothing to post tomorrow, so I gotta go find some shit.

7:46: watch Celebrity Sex Rehab anyway.

8:20: Hit google reader and comb through about a bazillion feeds in the hopes of finding anything interesting.

8:40: Nothing interesting

8:45: Twitter

8:50: Now I'm into like 3rd and 4th tier shit on my google reader...still nothing interesting

8:55: Ohh, Apartment Therapy! Haven't checked out that feed in awhile.

9:07: Twitter

9:22: At this point I'm desperate, so its time to hit up my go to, "I can always count on you source" for material: Brooklynian.

9:30: FUCK. Nothing there either.

9:31: Maybe there's something in my email that one of our readers sent in...I'll look there!

9:32: Son of a bitch, I literally wrote no one who emailed me through the blog back this entire week. I suck.

9:33: write some people back.

9:57: Twitter

10:20pm: I give up...I'll wake up early and find some shit in the morning.

REPEAT

REPEAT

REPEAT

REPEAT

Ok, so was there *any* part of that description that sounded even a little bit like fun?

True, I was not sitting there doing a solid, focused three hours of work, but I was kinda/mostly blog working for the lion's share of that time. And I still managed to both not write a post OR find something to write about. And this shit happens all the fucking time, people.

And mind you, eventhough I was't locked in a room in silence concentrating on blog post generation, I was also not:

• At the bar with my friends
• Having a deep conversation with my husband
• Talking on the phone
• buying shit online (though I came close during the Apartment Therapy jag)
• Baking cookies
• smoking weed
• vacuuming
• Reorganizing my closet
• banging hookers
• Paying bills
• At a fun class
• On facebook

And that's because when you have a blog (AND a full time job), there is almost NEVER time to do all the shit that you need to do and/or want to do. Cause if you're not looking for shit to write about, you're writing about shit. And if you're not writing about shit, you're returning reader emails. And if you're not returning reader emails, you're checking out your stats. And if you're not checking out your stats, you're...oh, yeah. At work. And, so yeah: it just really never fucking ends.

Waaaah, waaaah, waaah.

Before The Last Man in Park Slope pipes up about how "back before Park Slope was gentrified, bloggers wrote their fucking blogs, didn't complain, AND paid other people to read em to boot," I'd like to clarify that my intention with this post was NOT to whine or complain about how hard my life is. Cause its not. I just don't think people tend to talk about real deal shit like this, and was hoping to spread some truth to anyone who thinks they might like to buy their own piece of real estate in the Blogosphere.

Also, it seems like everyone who dosn't blog, tends to just think "eh, what's the big deal!? It's easy!" and that's just total bullshit (and annoying).

Now, obviously no one is holding a gun to my head as I sit typing away on my macbook, so (duh) this shit is completely and totally voluntary. And as we all know from Dr. Phil, et al, none of us engage in behavior that doesn't have *some* sort of payoff for us. So if you read all the way through this rambling bitchfest, you're probably even wondering why the fuck I do this in the first place it if sucks so damn much?  

And if I still did not manage to completely dissuade you from starting a blog (what the fuck is wrong with you?) then stay tuned for tomorrow's post: Why Blogging Totally Fucking Rules to find out.