Shut Your Pie-Holes! We've got your back for Thanksgiving. [UPDATED]

Image via weddingsalon.comWe know how you’re all, “this year I’m going to make like Keri Russell in Waitress and bake my own pie for Thanksgiving, I’m finally going to use that nice Le Creuset pie dish we got for a wedding present, buy apples from the farmers’ market, blah blah blah...” WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU! It’s not happening.

But, because we at FIPS care, we’re going to help you fake it till you make it. Of course, you’re never actually going to make it, so we’re just going to tell you some places to order in advance, or buy in a last minute sweat, your sweet and/or savory holiday pie.

In no particular order, here is a by-no-means-comprehensive-list of Park Slope Pie Purveyors…

1. Trois Pommes

260 Fifth Ave.    

718-230-3119  

One of our favorite cute-little-neighborhood-bakeries, Trois Pommes, lists 5 pies available for order on their website: Apple, pumpkin, pecan, key lime, or chocolate peanut butter (Serve 6-8)...$30

For an establishment that is otherwise tastefully branded with, yes, 3 (trois!) Cezanne-y-looking apples (pommes!), the website features a surprisingly-cheesy clip-art turkey. (by the way, no turkey pie on offer) Gobble gobble! Though the shop has a Frenchy name and look, the baker/owner, Emily, is American, and judging by her successfully flaky baked goods, likely knows her way around a pie tin. These ain’t no tartes tatins, mes amis; these are freedom pies!

2. Four and Twenty Blackbirds

439 3rd Avenue (at 8th Street)

 718-499-2917

Although twee-er than thou, with their raw oak tables and Gowanus East location, this place is the real deal, pie-wise; that is all they do.  That and passable coffee with which to wash down your giant wedge when you pie-in.

Helpfully, their website lists the steps (4 of them) for ordering Thanksgiving pie, as well as the option of lining up starting at 8 a.m. (did I mention Gowanus East?) on Thanksgiving Day in the hopes of procuring one of a “limited number of pies,” on a first-come, first-serve basis. But holy shit, it might be worth it. Choices are: Salted Caramel Apple ($38), Bittersweet Chocolate Pecan ($40), Brown Butter Pumpkin ($38), Salt Honey ($38).

For the record, 4 and 20’s website is as hip-rustic and beautifully art-directed as you might expect.

3. Cousin John’s

70 7th Ave

(718) 622-7333

This Park Slope institution is taking orders now for classics like: apple, pumpkin, blueberry, and something a little more obscure, cranberry pear plum (or maybe he said cranberry pear, or cranberry plum – definitely cranberry, plus one or more other fruits that start with p). At $23.00 for pecan, and 19.99 for the others, these are the lowest-priced bakery pies we’ve found.

4. S’Nice

315 5th avenue @ 3rd street

718.788.2121

Hoping to have something to offer the vegan-oriented among our readers, we called S’Nice. “I don’t think we ever have pies.” In other words, go fuck yourselves, you pie-wanting vegans.

5. Le Pain Quotidien

239 5th Avenue

347.986.1311

Park Slope’s newest chain restaurant that looks the least like a chain restaurant* is offering pumpkin, apple, and pecan. The person who answered the phone when we called actually had a French accent, though she wasn’t sure exactly how much the pies cost. $25 or something like that.

*The antique tractor seats that adorn the walls might actually be antique tractor seats.

6. Down Under Bakery

211 Prospect Park West

Corner of 16th st

718-974-1683
 

One of those savory-not-sweet types? Try showing up to Grandma’s with a “handmade, authentic Australian/New Zealand-style gourmet meat pies” from dub Pies. From “Flight of the Conchords” I learned that Aussies and Kiwis are sworn enemies, but maybe even the Hatfield and the McCoys could come together over a good flaky pastry stuffed with meat. Options include steak mince pie, steak mince and cheese pie, breakfast pie, and for the feint of beef, chicken and vegetable or Thai chicken curry pie. These average about $6 a pie, but they’re individual servings. And of course, they’re as close to Thanksgiving fare as America’s other favorite pie, pizza. Just giving you options, people. Because that’s what we do, we give. 

7. Farmer’s Markets

Grand Army Plaza – Saturdays

Washington Park, 5th Avenue between 3rd and 4th streets

For you spontaneous types, throw on a tweed blazer and bulky muffler and wander through one of the local farmers’ markets and scope out the offerings, ideally while sipping a pour-over from Café Martin. Today, we lucked into a sweet little strawberry and peach number at the stand of Breezy Hill Orchard. Their website is selling apple, sour cherry, sweet potato, cranberry walnut, peach raspberry, blueberry, sugarless apple, vegan apple (take that, S’Nice!), and pumpkin, each for the distinctly non-citified price of $14 for a large, yo!

8. Key Food

130 7th Avenue

Brooklyn, NY 11215

Phone: (718) 768-8317

If you don’t give a shit about delighting your guests or impressing the hosts who were kind enough to invite you, take your not-caring ass to the fluorescent-lit aisles of what passes for a supermarket in Park Slope. You can get Entenmann’s “baked fresh daily” non-refrigerated pumpkin pie for $6.69, or a clamshell-packed key-lime pie with peaks of fluffy meringue from a fridge near the deli counter, as well as any number of frozen options including Sara Lee’s “oven-fresh” cherry, and from a company called Marie Callender, an unfamiliar offering called “spearmint pie,” all shelved conveniently near the off-brand cool whip.

There are no doubt some more places to check out, so if you have a favorite from years past, let us know in the comments. 

UPDATE!! Put down your pitchforks, asshats, here are the deets on your beloved Ladybird bakery, and also Naidre's:

Ladybird Bakery

1112 8th Avenue

718.499.8108

ladybirdbakery.com

Our (admittedly lazy) attempts to reach Ladybird Bakery by phone were initially fruitless -- but their pies aren't! hahaha!

Yes, this long-time Park Slope staple has many holiday options on offer, including double crust apple, apple cranberry, fall medley (buncha fruits all medleyed up in there), buttermilk pie, and several others I was too slow to write down. The 6" are $20, and 10" are $26. Math is not our strong point, but we think this is largest number of pie flavors one shop in our roundup is purveying, so good luck choosing something, or just get 'em all. And get out your stretch dress pants.

Naidre's 

384 7th Avenue

(718) 965-7585

Naidre's has been a bakery as well as a cafe for many years now, and they've already received a lot of pre-orders. They are offering for Thanksgiving and Chanukah, the following...

PIES
Pecan, Apple and Pumpkin

VEGAN
Carrot or Chocolate layer Cakes

GLUTEN-FREE
Pumpkin pie with a pecan crust
Flourless chocolate cake