PUSSY GALORE: A FIPS Exclusive Interview with the Bully Cat of 16th Street

When does the toll of a bell strike terror in the hearts of South Slopers? When it sits around the neck of a long, dark grey feline menace who's been reportedly terrorizing the neighborhood with its indiscriminate attacks on fellow cats and their owners. In an age where kitty cuteness is taking YouTube by storm this news just turns the stomachs of cat lovers all over the globe. Split wide open by South Slope News back on October 1 this chilling story has been covered by major blog outlets including Time.com. The "Bully Cat" of Park Slope is slowly becoming a legend.

According to dnainfo.com this naughty kitty definitely has claws:

The bully cat doesn't seem intimidated by other cats, humans, or the neighborhood's thriving population of feral cats. A cat owner on Webster Place said the bully cat growled at her when she happened upon a run-in between the feisty feline and her Siamese, Skeeter.

One South Sloper, known only as Patricia, attempted to stand up to this heartless criminal when her brown tabby, Teddy, and her other cat, Rocco, were victims of its unadulterated hate. Patricia took to posting signs asking the owner of Bully Cat to realize: "HOW AGGRESSIVE AND MEAN IT IS WHEN IT ROAMS AROUND???" Poor Patricia has even been mocked by her neighbors, catching a fellow South Sloper conducting a dramatic reading of her signs. She told dnainfo.com that:

The absurdity of this whole thing is not lost on me. [But] it's cost me $510 in vet bills, plus the aggravation. My poor cats, they’re driving me crazy because I can't let them out.

pic via dnainfo.com

We here at FIPS decided enough was enough! It was time to get inside this maniacal mind. On the tip of a couple of feral cats near the Armory, this FIPS reporter found the Bully Cat stoically walking the cold hard streets of its South Slope haunts. Bully Cat and I sat down near one of those organic recycling pails on Prospect Avenue and 7th Ave for a one-on-one exclusive interview. It's composure and measured responses were, at times, unnerving to this contributor.

JCHARLES: My first question has to be, why? Why the violence? Why inflict pain on innocents?  

BULLY CAT: (It just turns its furry ass to me in contempt)

JC: So what you're saying is you're frustrated with the over-gentrification of South Slope and you feel you're being priced out of the neighborhood? Basically this is the way you're lashing out against an inflated real estate market? I see. Oh, and you hate Mondays. Fascinating. Did you know Monday literally means "moon's day?" 

BC: (Climbs on top of one of the organic recycling pails. But it has trouble finding it's footing because of the odd shape of the lid. It's just scratching at the plastic trying to hold on for dear life. It's kind of funny to watch)

JC: Right because it comes after sun's day. Very good. You're a real smarty cat, huh? Now I have to ask why the bell?

BC: (Now it's falling off the pail and in the process knocking the lid on the ground)

JC: Sure every great criminal has his calling card, I get. The Zodiac Killer, the Son of Sam, Jack the Ripper, Omar from The Wire. You thought why not turn the sweet sound of a little bell around a kitty's neck into something terrifying. As an aside, do you find term "pussy" objectionable? 

BC: (Its spryly jumps into the pail)

JC: Well I think comparing it to the N or F word is a little strong, don't you? Is it one of those words you feel only you can call other cats? Like, "stop being such a pussy," or "pussy, please" or "he looks like such a pussy in those heels?" 

BC: (Clearly struggling with something inside. I think I hear the crunch of eggshells) 

JC: Ok, I'll stop. If you had this "Patricia" in front of you, what would you say to her? Would you apologize for what you've done to Teddy and Rocco?

BC: (The entire pail goes down. Christ those organics pails smell like ass)

JC: Right people have been saying that. It's a calculated risk when you let your cats out especially in this end of the hood. She should keep her cats inside and these are your streets and your rules. Got it? Speaking of streets, you live in Bill DeBlasio's end of the hood? Will you endorse him for mayor?

BC: (It comes out angrily fighting with the rind of a grapefruit.)

JC: His son really does have a head of hair you can just curl up in. I'll take that as a yes. So just level with me, how do you explain your erratic socio pathetic behavior?

BC: (It just starts hissing angrily at me like a little bitch. Wait, what's a female cat? Is this thing a female? I can't even tell.)

JC: Oh the night, the night is your world. City lights, painted girl, in the day nothing matters, it's the night time that flatters. You, you live among the creatures of the night, you haven't got the will to try and fight, against a new tomorrow so you must believe something this night will never go.... Wow that shit's deep Bully Cat. Deep and dark.*

You heard it here first FIPSters. An angry bell-toting cat that's been terrorizing a neighborhood as a cry against an ever-changing socio-economic climate while licking the deep wounds of a life as a feline prostitute. Will they get Bully Cat's number? Will they get the alias it's been living under? 

*Just google "Self-Control" and "Laura Branigan." Reaquaint yourself with genius. Clearly, Bully Cat has.