Park Slope Crime Alert: Someone's Stealing Sex Toys!

[Ed note: Sometimes our writers have more fun gossiping about Park Slope than they do actually writing about it. This is one of those instances. I present to you, reader, NineDaves and Thomas, in conversation. Warning: Some links are NSFW].

Dave: Hey Thomas! 

Thomas: Hey Dave. What's up?

Dave: NM, just working on a piece for FIPS. Remember when things got pretty serious in Park Slope when all those sexual assaults were happening? Well even though there hasn't been a reported attack in a few months, there's still some dangerous crime going on. Did you know that just the other day someone stole some lady's sex toys?

Thomas: Wait, what?

Dave: Per The Brooklyn Paper's Police Blotter:

Bad vibrations

A creep swiped some kinky toys from an apartment on 14th Street on Feb. 25.

The 22-year-old victim told cops she moved some belongings out of her home near Third Avenue at 10:45 pm, then went elsewhere to sleep. She came back the next day at 3 pm for some items she hadn’t moved, and discovered a white metal trunk — full of $300 worth of sex toys — and a laptop were gone.

Neighbors later told her that they spotted the front door ajar.

Thomas: OMG 

Dave: Man, things have gotten tough out there! It's like you can't even leave your door open for 15 hours without having someone come in an steal all your sex toys anymore! 

Thomas: Not just gone for 15 hours... gone for 15 hours "sleeping elsewhere." What the fuck?

Dave: I'm assuming her boyfriend's place, no?

Thomas: But if she's got a boyfriend, why does she need $300 worth of dildos and vibrating ass-plugs? Clearly, her boyfriend is not up to par. He should be embarrassed that she stays over at his place, and then comes home to find her vibrator has been stolen?

Dave: Yeah, but he's a straight guy. Most dudes are fine with like, a department store catalog and a dirty sock.

Thomas: If you were a straight guy, and your girlfriend spends the night, and then she goes home and the first thing she does is file a police report about the fact that all of her rubber penises that she kept in a trunk--all $300 of them--were stolen...How's that going to make you feel about your sexual prowess. "I thought I gave her good lovin' and then instead of calling me back, she got all freaked out because her favorite substitutes for MY dick got stolen."

Dave: Nahhh. He wouldn't care. He'd think it was hot. Besides, he'd probably be more upset that she left the door open.

Thomas: Dumb bitch.

Dave: In all seriousness, I kinda feel bad for this lady. She's not only out of $300 worth of sex toys and a laptop, she's probably also out of a job. No one spends that much money on sex toys just to use at home by themselves. She's gotta' be in some kind of business.

Thomas: The laptop is probably a sex toy, too.

Dave: Exactly! Sounds like she was using those toys to make some cash. I'm guessing one of those webcam porn sites, where strangers pay to watch people all kinds of shit up their holes. I saw a special about it on OWN. People make millions! 

Thomas: Although, now that I think about it, $300 isn't that much for sex toys. Let's do the leg work for the insurance adjuster, shall we? I'm going to figure out what made up the $300 of toys...

Dave: Haahaa. Okay...

Thomas: Just look at this Inflatable Latex Gas Mask for $99.90! You're 1/3 of the way there already!

Dave: That's terrifying.

Thomas: And this Pleasure Swing for $149.50. Now you've only got $50 left to spend!

Dave: Damn! Those are fucking pricy! I don't know why in my mind I thought she had like, 300 dildos or something.

Thomas: Here's your $40 strap-on. Now you've only got $10 left to spend! And that could just be a small bottle of lube for $10.

Dave: To think. All of this being owned by someone in Park Slope. 

Thomas: Well in Park Slope, someone would probably just buy this "Make Your Own Dildo Kit" and open up an ETSY shop. 

Dave: Calling DesignSponge...

Thomas: OMG THIS

Thomas: OH! THIS!

Dave: A perfect game for a nice picnic in Prospect Park!

Thomas: Can you imagine? "Here.  Stick this rod up your ass, and we're all going to toss rings at you.  You'll love it, Cheryl!"

Dave: HAAHAA. I guess it's all not bad news for this lady though. Think about it: once she gets the insurance money back, Babeland will deliver her replacement sex toys right to her door!

Thomas: ...which she'll hopefully lock after she leaves next time.

Dave: BTW, looking for an image for this post, and THIS comes up when you search "Pile of Dildos" in Google.

Thomas: And that's why the internet is a thing of beauty. 

Dave: P.S. Can we just talk about how much I love The Brooklyn Paper's Police Blotter? It's seriously the best read ever. Don't get me wrong - I don't take joy out of seeing bad things happen to people. But it's just the way the blotter reports said crimes. A punny headline. A just-the-facts description. And best of all - no distinction whatsoever in the severity of the crimes. The aformentioned sex toy robbery was followed up by stories about a guy getting jumped and cut with a knife, a woman getting her purse stolen at the post office, two guys stealing laundry detergent, another knife attack, and a missing van. All equally important! 

Thomas: Who knew Park Slope was so rough?

Dave: Right? It's like the Marcy Projects up in here! 

Thomas: Only unlike the Marcy Projects, Jay-Z would actually come visit Park Slope these days.

Dave: Exactly. Alright, I should go. I have to write this up. I should just copy and paste this gchat in!

Thomas: You should!

[Ed Note: Which is exactly what they did.]