Mo Problems, Mo Problems

Merry Fucking Christmas, to all my fave non-Heeb bitches-n-bros. I got a present for y'all that's so good, it could potentially make allllll that time you're spending with your annoying fucking family right now *mostly* kinda worth it.

Behold: our brand spankin' new advice column from my favorite dead rap superstar and yours, (Not) Notorious Big.

BOOM! [you're welcome]

Each week, coupla weeks, whenever the fuck he feels like it, Twitter Biggie is gonna answer your most burning questions about life, love and the pursuit of big booty bitches. If you've got mo problems, Biggie's got mo money answers.

Check it:

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Big Poppa (you still like it when people call you that?),
I hate my job in Finance, but I'm making some mad Benjis. Should I just suck it up and stay there, or do you believe in all that "find your passion" sort of stuff?
B.

yo, a check is a check. if you got a baby daughter to feed, sometimes you gotta do a joint with craig mack. you aint gonna be proud of that shit, but baby girl gonna eat, know what im sayin? keepin it real is makin sure your mother got a house. in regards to your first question, are you a fine ass honey? call me fred or whatever, its all good.

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NotNotriousBig,

I'm a guy, but I don't really like watching sports. I pretend like I do, because I don't want my friends to think I'm gay. Am I?
D.J.

i dont know nothin about no gay shit. i aint gonna fuck with that. but yo, sounds like your crew buggin the fuck out. why they give a fuck about if you like basketball or whatever? you gotta do what you gotta do, they do what they do. tell them they gotta hit a L and shut the fuck up. i dont even understand white people with this shit.

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Biggie,
Can you introduce me to some of those sexy-ass celebrity bitches you know?
J.

Ma$e, i aint even fuckin around. i know this is you - for the last time, we AINT got room in the Rover for you. and stop pagin me every hour, damn!

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Yo NotNotoriousBig,
Should I get an iphone or an Android? I can't decide.

M.

oh, word? i dont know shit about no underoid, but my man put me up on this crazy shit the other day. check it: you can send faxes or whatever to the internet, son! i got puffy checkin on a plugin for my pager. im gon have honeys sendin mad nasty faxes, and i can get them anywhere i be, anytime.

 

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Not,
I can't find that fucking hamster that everyone is buying their kids for Christmas. Any other ideas?
M.A.

okay, im strugglin here. tryin not to pre judge a motherfucker. you tryna do WHAT to a hamster? you on some richard gere shit now! get a cabbage patch doll, i dont give a fuck. leave that hamster alone.

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Yo, so Twitter Biggie knows what the fuck he's talking about. If you gotta question, send it to effedinparkslope[at]gmail.com, and I'll pass it along. Also, follow his ass on Twitter (@NotNotoriousBIG) for non-stop hilarity.