MISS TRANSIT AUTHORITY: Homo, Euro or Auto(Cad): A Study in Generalizations

I like looking at men on the subway.

So do you. Even you straight guys. Please.

And though this city is the epicenter of hot dick, there's great potential for embarrassment, rejection, or plain misinterpretation based on appearance. As I'm especially drawn to assertive style and atypical facial hair, I occasionally cannot distinguish between whether or not a gentleman is European, an architect, or gay, and thus if he's making eyes at my tits, my shoes, or my brother. Though I try to avoid all three prototypes for my own metro romance, I feel it necessary to share this primer to help riders know whom to solicit directions of, whether going to Marquis, Pieces, or that Zaha Hadid thing in the park. Thank me later.


For introductory context, here is a Heterosexual Parisian on the 12 line in France:

And here is a Homosexual Brit on the Darby train:

You’ll note neither of them are architects. Occasionally you will come across 2 out of 3 (European Architect, Gay European), and regardless of which 2, there's definitely a great shopping buddy in it for you. Elusive is the trifecta, but that would be impossible and dangerous, like looking at the sun. A very clean and judgmental sun that smells like Marc Jacob's 'Cotton' and can pull up Mika singles on its iphone. That…kinda sun.

Onto our metropolis, and the subtle ways to distinguish between Gay/ European/ Architect.

The shoes were pointy and the coat ¾ length, indicating a dignified and well-fed Munich upbringing. But, the expression screams disillusioned American. So, Gay or Architect. The sketchbook clutched in the fingerless cashmere gives him away as graphic designer (and yes, I'm being generous with the Architect category, but if you can stick a hot air balloon in the middle of a picture of a Korean multicenter, you can be a graphic designer too).
Verdict: Architect

Seems pretty clean, and, leaning forward, I noted the book was in French. Straight Euro? Or slick and bilingual Architect? Or- merde!- Eccentric Coiffed Hipster Gay? Hmmm. From where I was sitting, he had the distinctive 13th arrondissement 'I want to stick something in your butt' vibe.
Verdict: European
Also: Je suis tres, tres chaude.

Tricky. Definitely too scruffy to be Euro, and the location (G train) would imply an easily categorized hetero art student. But the impish squeal that emerged from him when his pudgy, blue haired female friend came aboard at Nassau Ave told me we might be dealing with...
Verdict: Gay Architect/ Designer

Gallery: The 'Bold Hat Choice' specimens

This trio exemplifies incredible assurance, regardless of their category. But I'm mystified as to whether they're gay, very well adjusted straight dudes from Brussels, or cocky Midwesterners with 3 pseudonyms on Archinect.com. You tell me.
Ranging from the most to least fey:

...my goodness. Regardless of which, I want to marry him.

On this one, I noted later he had a Union Market bag. He almost got me; alas, just an awkwardly unstylish, run of the mill FIPS breeder.

I do hope this saves readers energy and time when, on the subway, you need guidance as to why that guy over there is looking at you, and what action to take. I couldn't deal with the guilt if making eyes with someone lands you at The Lion King instead of making loud in-jokes about the Foster's layoffs over the 4th plastic cup of wine at the Droog NYC opening’s open bar.

And, Alan, if you're reading this, I got the French guy’s number. We can figure out his deal in 4 words: you, me, death match.