In Which We Finally Get Over Our Crush on Jonathan Safran Foer

We still have a bit of a soft spot in our hearts for Park Slope author Jonathan Safran Foer cause he interned for us-n-shit, but ever since his "Park Slope restaurants are miserable" comment, we've kinda been keeping our distance. And, yeah: we've definietly taken notice of some of the recent haterade floating around the interwebs toward him and his new book Eating Animals.

Without naming names, everyone mostly hates it.

Anyway.

Apparently you're now supposed to make a "book trailer" when your book comes out. And so JSF stuck with the program, and book trailer'd it up for his new release. Unfortch for him this journalist, Betsy Phillips, thinks his vid is the biggest piece of shit to ever hit her LCD monitor. Check it:

"If, for some reason, you can't watch this, it goes like this: A novelist establishes that he lives in Park Slope, in Brooklyn, and that he is a douche who French-kisses his dog. He has a grandma and thus decided to write a book about meat, which is not really about meat; it's about family. The video literally starts out, "Oh, hello," like we've all for some reason decided to go to Jonathan Safran Foer's house and startle him in his study. It is a trailer that will make you want to immediately go to the bookstore and punch his book, on principle."

Soft spots aside, that shit is pretty fucking funny. Though not NEARLY as funny as this little doozy: Jonathan Safran Foer: A Jewish Star Chrisitians REALLY CAN Follow!

If that title looks like a fake headline I slapped on this post just to be funny, I can assure you that its not. If you click your ass on over to Christwire.org (Conservative values for an unsaved world) you will peep some carefully crafted journalistic treasures about our Park Slope literary wunderkind that you won't soon forget. Here's one:

"A self-made boy who had put himself through Princeton, Foer was a shiny beacon to twenty-year olds everywhere that there was something respectable– yes even noble– about being an artist of the literary arts in the glitzy internet age. His bestselling work also illuminated the pathetic nature of America’s lazy, underemployed youths who waste their lives with sexual ambiguity and music trends. His success brought deep shame to all those aging, chain-smoking liberals with half-finished manuscripts in their drawers. John Updike crowned Foer the genius voice of his generation, but sadly, the rest of that generation was off growing goatees and clicking around MySpace."

BWWWWHAAAAA! The dude thinks people still go on Myspace!!!

Wait...there's more. It seems as though Foer's Jewy ass has been a true inspiration (to a Christian no less!!):

"Jonathan’s painful and poignant Everything Was Illuminated book was also a clarion call to older men like myself who love typing away, who love the beauty of the dictionary! As a journalist and a thinker, Foer has inspired me in nonstop, innumerable ways. His words are the lyrics to my favorite songs, they sing in my heart every time I walk by a keyboard like the gentle wings of excited angels. Come fly with me, come fly away! But his work was too good– it made the failures of this country jealous. They have thrown a litany of poorly-written commentaries and Amazon reviews his way. But Jonathan has stood tall and not let their hate stop him from working his necessary work. That’s a great lesson, my fellow Americans!"

A great lesson indeed, America: work your necessary work!

Though the Jeezus freak doesn't call out Park Slope by name, we do *kinda* get a shoutout (comfortable home, yo!):

"In life, Jonathan is married, lives in a comfortable home and loves dogs. He is also a magnificently vocal advocate of healthy and clean living. He may not have the physique of a football player, but his trim body and muffin top does tempt a head tussle! I only wish the bearded, pot-bellied hipsters of America would follow his lead."

Ok, so also the dude just called JSF out for having a muffin top!? But he meant it as a compliment? And hipsters are assholes? (duh).

Nope...we're not done yet, people: 

"Eating Animals is an amazing work that shows a maturing Jewish writer at the peak of his insightful creative prowess. His soaring words put cruel and negative Jewish writers like Gary Shteyngart, Sam Lipsyte and Michael Chabon to shame. I am simply amazed that Lipsyte stopped masturbating long enough to write a single paragraph, let alone an entire book. He is possibly the meanest man ever allowed near a sharpened pencil. However this stump of a man ever came to be a published author is beyond me. Any halfway competent psychiatrist would see that he should be locked away in a padded room with an empty box of crayons to taunt his virulent brain.

Jonathan Safran Foer’s “Eating Animals,” published by Little, Brown and Company, is available now at a bookstore near you and would make the perfect Christmas gift!"

I'm 100% serious, bitches: that's just how the shit ends. We go from lock that dirty Jew Sam Lipsyte up in a padded cell and throw away the key straight into, buy this Jew's book! It makes a great Xmas gift!!

Brilliance.

Ok, so what have we learned here today:

• Eating Animals seems like an annoying book. No I didn't read it, but if Christwire.org LOVES it, that doesn't bode well. Also, #myfatass likes burgers...sue me.
• Most dirty Jews don't deserve your attention, especially all the cruel writer Jews--but Jonathan Safran Foer stands alone as an example of one of the few dirty Jews who's actually worth a damn!
• If you ever need to make a book trailer, don't give your dog a tongue bath or mention that you live in Park Slope.

Phew...well that's that!

I guess now we can get back to Amy Sohn...