Ikea's Almond Cakes Are Shit. Literally.

photo credit: stock image mixed with ikea.comIKEA just recalled almond cakes in 23 countries because they contained coliforms, a bacteria most often found in human and animal shit. No need to shit yourselves, though, the shit you’re eating at Red Hook isn’t literally shit. America lucked out, not falling into that list of 23 countries that were shit out of luck.

Way back in December Chinese officials dumped 1,800 pounds of the frozen almond cakes found to contain the shit bacteria. It took IKEA a solid three months to realize that this shit had gone down. Or maybe they only paid attention because they were already knee deep in shit from last week’s horse meat meatball scandal. Either way, they finally got their shit together and recalled the coliform contaminated almond cakes.

Now, because coliforms don’t necessarily fuck people’s shit up when ingested (unless it has E.coli which none of the almond shit cakes were found to have), IKEA is playing this down. Their official response tries to blow this shit off:

"There is no health risk associated with consuming this product…However, since the product does not comply with our strict food quality standards we have decided to withdraw the concerned production batches from sale in the 23 affected countries. "

See, they’re not recalling the almond cakes because they’re full of shit bacteria, but simply because shit bacteria doesn’t meet their “strict food quality standards.” As if anyone would ever consider shit a quality food. Maybe next time they’ll just tell us their food is fucked because the serving instructions that came with it were shit.