Fuck 'Breeder Central!' Park Slope is Rebranding as Sin City

Jeez! We take the weekend off and we miss breaking the biggest scandal to hit Park Slope this week. Maybe even this year!

On Friday, as FIPS was moments away from bidding adieu to our life-sized FUCKED banner, news broke that the leafy, stroller and Prius-cluttered streets of our upwardly mobile (the Post called us “posh”) neighborhood were at the epicenter of a humongous drug bust! And we’re not talking any old Mary Jane, there goes your weed delivery guy kind of bust…we mean serious drogas. Like $1.5 milly plus in heroin and coke serious.

Shhheeeeeittttt! I didn’t know we had it in us.

The plot of this riveting caper lacks Nancy Botwin, but is just as intriguing as an ep of Weeds. After reading Gothamist's post, I initially thought that the drug kingpin in question was a stroller mama. I thought she was dropping off vials of heroin (does heroin come in vials?) while riding her Vespa with her preschooler on board somehow…perhaps in a backpack? Alas, it was some dude...though he does have a baby.

I mean, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been looking for a way to rebrand Park Slope BREEDERS...but this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Don't let the brownstones fool you, ppl. If you think your family friendly neighborhood is too high-priced or heavily trafficked to allow for a sizeable drug ring right next door, you need to think again. And while this story is juicy, for sure, it’s also crying out for more details. Like for instance: who the hell around here is supporting this cottage industry?

Here's what we know so far:

• “A dozen local drug dealers were arrested by Brooklyn Narcotics officers after the suspects sold glassine envelopes of dope and cocaine to undercover cops over a two-year period. Police made more than 60 undercover buys --several of which were large quantities of heroin.”--NY Post
• “Typically the drug sales took place on the toniest blocks on Seventh Street, Carroll Street and Second Street, according to Special Narcotics Prosecutor Bridget Brennan.”-- NY Post
• Also from the Brooklyn Paper: “they allegedly conducted hand-to-hand exchanges in Joe’s Pizza, on Prospect Park West and Prospect Avenue as well as the Peking Kitchen down the block. But that was news to Joe’s Pizza employees, who said they never knew their restaurant had become a smack swap meet.”
• “One of the ringleaders, Edwin Perez, frequently rode around on his "very expensive" Can-Am Spyder motorcycle to make his deals, a source said.”--NY Post
• From the Daily News, “the local drug king often used his motorcycle to peddle drugs, officials said. Perez sometimes used his car and on one occasion, sold drugs as his preschool-aged child sat in the front seat, authorities said.”

Also, Kingpin Perez is 32 and lives on 19th St--are we calling that greater Park Slope?

I was so hoping it was a Vespa he was riding,, but no matter. Doesn't this kingpin dude kind of look like Weeds' Guillermo, whose last name incidentally is also Perez?! I'm telling you, this is begging for an HBO series or at least to somehow get written into the next season of Weeds after Nancy gets out of the slammer and moves to Park Slope.

And, of course what would any of this be without a round-up of the commentariat (all sourced from posts referenced above)?

• The over-caffeinated stroller moms racing in the Park Slope stroller derby are ten times more dangerous then some drug sellers underground somewhere (Ed. Note: espesh the coked-up ones!). Bloomberg should build stroller lanes instead of bike lanes.
• Drug dealing on Prospect Park West? That could never have happened before the bike lane.
• What Park Slopers want to know, of course, is whether SLOPERS were buying the drugs. (Uh yes. Yes, we do.)
• They were using a motorcycle to distribute their heroin instead of an evil car. They should be given a key to the city; or at least a job planning bike lanes or something.
• And finally, from armchair warrior: uppity folks need their drugs too shouldn't be surprised.

Fucking stock brokers. It's you, isn't it?