FIPS Tips for Not Freezing Your Ass Off

Image via NY1 Weather

It is motherfucking cold out there! Which you probably know, because holy shitballs, people cannot shut up about the Polar Vortex/Solar Plexus/Winter Matrix thing. Because we here at FIPS have your best interests at heart, here is a list of things you can do to stay toasty: 

1. Suckle not at the teat of a witch, if you can avoid it. Supposedly those things are cold as fuck. Like, that woman who runs Loom? Brrr!

2. Consider an apartment exchange with a polar bear family. They can sleep comfortably in their natural clime on your fire escape, and get frosty treats from Pinkberry. You and your family can enjoy balmy breezes as you float on your own melting ice floe.

3. You haven’t gotten around to mulching your Christmas tree yet? Good! Make a blanket of all the dried pine needles and burrow in.

4. Warm your insides with the smug glow that comes from living in the seat of all power in New York City, nay, the world.

5. Unexpectedly, the Tea Lounge makes my favorite hot chocolate in the neighborhood. Also, the radiant Apple logo of a million laptops should keep things cozy in there.

6. Stop by McDonald’s on 4^th avenue. Purchase lawsuit-hot coffee, dump it in your boots. Seal tightly with Duct tape. Then sue.

7. Forget about looking like a cute Brooklyn girl or guy for a fucking day or two. Don’t be afraid to wear your most suburban-mom/dad coat. No one has any peripheral vision anyway.

8. Even if you have a teenage son, reinstate or reconsider the Dr. Sears Family Bed approach. It’s not inappropriate or creepy! It’s attachment parenting!

9. Stay inside, you fucking moron!

10. Sit in your stifling hot office in all the layers you wore to get yourself the 3 blocks to the subway. Then you’ll appreciate the cold.

11. Realize you’ve brought your kid’s mittens instead of your own when you get to the stoop, run up the stairs to your 3^rd story walkup. Repeat. Bonus benefit: Your layers of outerwear will serve as a sweat suit. The pounds come off!

Disclaimer: Not all of these tips are scientifically proven. If you want some legit info. on dealing with these sub-zero temps, click here.