Congrats to Miss "Park Slope" America!

via Getty Images

Okay, so she's not technically from Park Slope, but Mallory Hagan has lived on 17th Street for the past four years since moving here from Alabama with a suitcase and a dream. After strutting her stuff in a black bikini and answering ABC weatherman Sam Champion's hard-hitting question about gun control in the wake of Newtown, Miss New York tap danced her way to the title of Miss America on Saturday night...and into the hearts of all the Brooklynites who want to claim her as their own (well, at the very least, Marty Markowitz is shitting unicorns in adulation.) And, lo, even better, she is from Park Slope! Lucky us!

Clearly, moving to Brooklyn was a calculated move by Ms. Hagan. She knew that the challenges of being a young single lady in our stroller-strewn neighborhood would provide her with invaluable pageant-winning skills, such as:

* Dodging bikes going the wrong way on one way streets helped teach her that danger can come at you from any direction when you least expect it. Like from Miss Idaho.

* Checking out twice at the Food Co-op taught her patience in dealing with people on power-trips, like Chris Harrison.

* Babies in bars, slow-moving stroller-pushers, toddlers throwing tantrums in the middle of the sidewalk --  excellent birth control to help her stick to that "no pregnancies" rule.

* Realizing there is no decent place beyond a drugstore to get make-up (sorry MYR, whatever you are) reaffirmed her commitment to her study of cosmetics marketing and justice in the world.

* Standing behind Maggie Gyllenhaal at Gorilla confirmed that no matter what those bitches from the other 49 states have going for them, she can feel superior because OMFG Maggie is so totally fucking cool.

Congratulations, Mallory. We can't wait to run into you on 7th Avenue.