Bike Villains Are Terrorizing Park Slope with Poorly Thought-Out Schemes

Clearly this redonkulous heat is fucking with New Yorkers' minds. Exhibit A: According to The Brooklyn Paper, Park Slope has been semi-rocked (gently swayed?) by a fake vigilante who is stealing wheels off of chained-up bicycles, then leaving a ransom note (that's not supposed to look like a ransom note) for the return of the parts. 

In a neighborhood where passive-aggressive notes are left on things all the time, everywhere, it didn't shock bike owner Johanna Clearfield to see a note attached to her blue mountain bike after she left chained to a pole on the corner of 6th Street and 8th Avenue overnight. She was, however, bummed to notice that both of the bike's wheels were gone. Here's what the note said:

photo courtesy of Johanna Clearfield via The Brooklyn Paper

Clearfield immediately realized that a couple of things were amiss with this situation: First, the note was clearly photocopied. Second, the stupid douchebag author obviously didn't have the entire bike in his/her possession as claimed in the note because the frame was still there. Lastly, Clearfield found the same exact note attached to FIVE other bikes on the same block. You can read more about Clearfield's Adventures in Bike Thieving in her very special post at Park Slope Patch. 

So these were some stupid-ass bike vandals. We can all agree on this, yes? Not only did they commit the crime and then leave PHOTOCOPIED notes on bikes like right next to each to other, they also didn't bother to think about how stupid it was to believe one person could go after a band of thieves to retrieve twelve wheels and other various parts all within mid-steal over the course of one night.

The Brooklyn Paper also reports that the 5-0 from the 78th Precinct nabbed two teens for bike theft on President Street the same night that Clearfield's bike was vandalized, so I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. Those could be the geniuses. 

Also, crooks, if you're going to leave a "ransom" note with a number in the hopes of getting some money-cash for the return of stolen parts, PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE! I've called you 3 times and you haven't answered, though perhaps this is because you're in jail after the police tracked you down when you LEFT YOUR PHONE NUMBER AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. Idiots.

Poor Johanna Clearfield said she just wants her wheels back. 

image by Johanna Clearfield via Park Slope PatchUPDATE: The New York Observer has just reported that they actually got through to an older gentlemen upon calling the phone number listed on the note, who claims that he hasn't stolen any bike parts and in fact only left one note on a single bike.

The man said he wished to remain anonymous before mentioning that he's on social security and wouldn't talk to anybody until after 9PM when his free minutes kick in because he “couldn’t afford to pay any more for these prank phone calls.” Sorry dude, but when you put phone number on something on the street in Park Slope, get ready for calls. We are a neighborhood obsessed with blogging about notes left on things out in public.

When the reporter from the Observer asked the guy about the notes and for his name, he flew off the handle saying, “How dare you! Do you know how many people called yesterday because of that young woman’s blog (the Brooklyn Paper Post)? Just because I left one note? I got the bike wheels, I caught the guy trying to steal them, and I don’t want to be hassled.” 

I'm sorry but something about all of this still sounds fishy. We'll keep you posted.