Animals Attack New York City

Just a week after making fun of kid one's hilarious warding off of hypothetical bears and rattlers, I'm now fighting the flight instinct myself. Had to eat my words when my neighbors came running back from the tennis courts yesterday having just seen a bear ambling across our private road. This was followed up by the garter snake that slithered around kid two's ankle and then the sighting of giant primordial snapping turtles off the dock. Oh, and some dude brought his fucking ALBINO BOA CONSTRICTOR to Skinners Falls last time we went. They were sunning themselves side by side.

I would run back to the safety of Park Slope except for the fact that you city folk are apparently faring no better.

Exhibit Effing A! The Rockaways are under seige after several shark sightings on Saturday.

Per one Rockaway denizen: “It’s a regular part of life in the ocean. The water’s warm, the bait comes close to shore, and the bigger fish chase the bait.”

Yeah? Well, fuck that shit! Those dumpster pools have never looked so good.

Exhibit B...

Saber-toothed tigers released in Prospect Park???? Are you kidding me? I really hope this is a joke, especially because aren't they extinct?

Canadian Goose? Tiger? Piranha? Now if I were picking the most dangerous creature here, it sure as shit wouldn't have been the geese! The least those evil exterminators could have done was ensure goose liver pate for all (well, except you vegans).

C: The raccoons staged a return trip to that brownstone, perhaps to avenge the beheading of their fallen comrade, maybe because there was something delicious in that kitchen? Erica emailed from exile to alert me to the dangers of raccoon roundworm. Pile on, why don't you?

From the Cornell Cooperative Extension, "raccoon roundworm can be contracted by humans who accidentally ingest roundworm eggs (shed in raccoon drop- pings) from contaminated areas eat raccoon shit by not washing hands after working or playing in or around a contaminated area. Small children are particularly vulnerable because they tend to put their hands and other objects in their mouths. Wash your goddamned hands and rugrats, stop sucking on those gross little mitts.

I told Erica that she doesn't pay me enough to read this shit but the long and short of it is that we are too nice in New York to kill raccoons and snapping turtles (no problem with geese!). Where's that weird trapper dude who parks his vehicle near the Pavilion? Call him.

D: Lets not forget the bedbugs.

What's next, folks? I think I'm staying in the country after all.