THE ANSWERS: John Hodgman

ICYMI, John Hodgman answers all questions, everywhere, about everything.

Lots of people asked loads of great questions (many of which were Park Slope related) via the NYT's City Room Blog, and our fave resident celebritay obliged.

Herewith, are all the Park Slope/BK related topics, answered in full:

Q: Tea Lounge or Gorilla Coffee (and don’t let Jonathan Coulton’s choice of the latter influence you)?
— Posted by Daniel Alex Finkelstein

A: I do enjoy Gorilla Coffee, as I do enjoy the company of the Internet sensation Jonathan Coulton, who lives there, in a little radio shack behind the counter. However, the question is moot. I am far away from the Gorilla, and they have closed the Tea Lounge nearest to me, just as they are closing everything.

It is sad to see so many businesses shuttering in this economy, though I suspect those who lived here before it was settled by the affluent pilgrims from Manhattan take some schadenfreudic pleasure that the first to fall have been the coffee shops, kids’ boutiques, vegan markets and stores dedicated solely to the sale of a single model of all-clad butter warmer.

But at least we will still have A.T.M. pods and manicure salons. Why they do not combine those two things is beyond me.

Q: When I saw you in Park Slope last spring, pointed and said, “Look, there’s John Hodgeman!” and my friend said, “Who’s John Hodgeman?” … did it freak you out?
— Posted by Teresa

A: What freaked me out was that spelling my name with an “e” has now become so common, I didn’t even hear it when you said it.

Q: What is it about Park Slope that attracts lesbians, spotted owls, Paul Auster, Steve Buscemi, moms with high-priced Italian strollers, Saul D. Raw and the sushi-eating crowds at Geido?
— Posted by Phil Weingrow

A: The answer is John Tuturro. On the subject, however, of Steve Buscemi and public recognition, it is strange and happy indeed to be recognized on the street, and stranger still when you are recognized by Steve Buscemi on the F train. This was one of the happiest, and most surprising things to ever happen in my accidental television career. We had a wonderful conversation, and it was so flattering and exciting to meet one of my heroes. And then we parted ways at Jay Street, and I have never seen him again. (You may have read some of my missed connections ads on Craigslist about this.)

But since it has come up, let me offer this little guide to dealing with famous minor television personalities on the street or subway.

* Please do say hello if you want to. It is very, very gratifying and happy-making.
* Unless the famous minor television personality is, for example, picking his nose or flossing.
* Please don’t offer to floss the famous minor television personality.
* Generally speaking, you should not be offering to floss anyone. Or insisting people take off their headphones to speak to you unless you are bleeding. Or taking people’s pictures “secretly” of other people and their children. Or asking people the frequency.
* That is to say, if you would not do it to another human being, you probably should not do it to a minor television personality, as they are technically NOT on television when they are standing next to you.
* But that said, there is really very little you can do wrong. You can even pronounce my name with an e.
* And if you are Steve Buscemi, forget all these rules. Buscemi can do what he wants.

Q: I was checking the weather forecast and noticed a three degree difference in the forecast between Manhattan and Brooklyn for Friday (16 degrees for Brooklyn, 13 degrees for Manhattan). Why is this and why would it be warmer in Brooklyn, isn’t it closer to the ocean? Also, on other days there is no difference or a smaller difference. Any ideas?
— Posted by Mulligan

A: Actually, Brooklyn’s proximity to the ocean would make it warmer, not colder, for two reasons: a) water changes temperature slowly, thus making coastal cities less susceptible to rapid drops in temperature than mountain cities; and b) sea serpent flatulence.

Q: Exactly what are those mysterious misty-like water droplets that fall on your head and face during a perfectly sunny day while walking the streets of Manhattan? Does Brooklyn have a similar phenomenon? Should I be concerned of this mist/droplet contact when visiting the city?
— Posted by RJ TWIFFORD

A: That? That, of course, is merely the dripping condensation from air-conditioners in skyscrapers. I have always believed this, and I always will, even though I have no evidence of it, and I shall never, never look up to check. It’s just one of those little stories we have to tell ourselves over and over again in order to live in New York City, such as: “this apartment actually has several secret rooms,” and “there is no reason to imagine that anything calamitous could ever happen here.”

When this happened in Brooklyn, however, it was usually not air-conditioners. Just the robots, spitting on us. We don’t have that problem anymore.

Q: Where are the boundaries of Park Slope, where were they five years ago, and where do you see them being five years from now?
— Posted by Brenden

A: Five years ago: From the park southeast to Fourth Avenue, from Flatbush southwest to 15th Street.

Now: Many are attempting to define even 20th Street as “Windsor Slope” and Third Avenue as “Gowanaslope.”

Five years from now: Park Slope hopes to hold a senior position where it can best exercise its considerable management experience, people skills, and commitment to overall excellence.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: I live in Brooklyn, wear glasses and am a native of Brookline, Mass. Given the complexity of my situation, what advice can you give me about preparing owls for vegetarians?
— Posted by Caleb Stone

A: You need to get a formed, tofu owl (brand name: TOFOWL) at the Food Co-Op.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: Why are all the cool bands from Brooklyn not really from Brooklyn?
— Posted by Manuel Torres

A: Save your gripes for Pitchfork. This is The New York Times. They have no idea which are the cool bands.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: Who wins in a fistfight between you and Paul Auster? At which street corner is the fistfight held? And when?
— Posted by Devin

A: I think this was a Borges story? “El Hombre de La Esquina Rosada,” no? But it was with knives.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: If you’re so funny, why don’t you tell us all a joke? About Brooklyn. Let’s say hipsters in Brooklyn. Because I’ve never heard one of those before. (That was a joke.)

A: Did you hear the one about the Brooklyn hipster? His/her comments on Internet blogs were so snarky and self-referential they were basically unintelligible.

Sorry. I tried. Does that count at least as “anti-comedy?”

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: I unfortunately am unable to have children. However, living in Park Slope as I do, I have purchased a Pliko P3 Classico baby stroller, which I have imported from Italy. I intend to place my four-pound spotted owl in the stroller. Here’s my question: Will I be allowed to bring my owl-laden stroller into Ozzie’s so I can trade owl-parenting tips with my friends?
— Posted by julie

A: You are overthinking it. If you only have own owl, I think a simple Maclaren Volo will do. It’s pretty much the Weill Medical College of strollers.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: What’s wrong with the Upper West Side? Why did you leave for Brooklyn? You don’t have to do what all the cool kids are doing.
— Posted by Mike on the UWS

A: I found, on the whole, the Upper West Siders to be too defensive. Also, I had had it with street fairs and brunch. I’m a grown-up now.

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: I live in Brookline, Mass., wear glasses, and am a native of Park Slope, Brooklyn. Would you be interested in a house swap during spring break and/or marriage?
— Posted by Bonnie Lass

A: I must let you down on both kind proposals, as I am a married person, and as much as I love Brookline, I do not vacation there anymore since I spent all my money on foreign films and bagels. The temptation is too much!

NEXT QUESTION!

Q: Why are Brookline and Brooklyn spelled so similarly? Are they really the same place, but when it moved to N.Y., it had to change its name to something cooler?
— Posted by Elisabeth

A: Brookline is an English compound word that evolved from the town’s original name, “Muddy River.” Brooklyn is an Anglicization of its namesake, the Dutch town of Breukelen. Brooklin is a town in Maine, formerly known as Port Watson (Dutch for “Muddy River”). Brooklyne is the summer home of the movie director Adrian Lyne. Brock-Line is the boundary beyond which Brock may not cross.

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The official name for the area below Third Avenue is Parkanus.