This Week in WTF: Drunken Dog Fights

Do I really need to add dog ownership to my list of crazy, unlikely ways to go in Park Slope?

Because I just CANNOT believe the story of the black belt karate actor/bartender getting illkayed last week by this sorry, jowelly poodle-owning crazy man above. According to a friend, on top of being a poodle owner and a loose cannon, "Pagan is a chef who was preparing to launch a line of cooking spices."

What a way to die: trying to untangle your mini pinscher's leash from that of a felon's poodle outside a hipster hangout and accidentally brushing against fuckhead's wife, which so incenses him, he stabs you to death. (And, by the way, why did the perp only serve seven years for a prior murder?)

Hold the presses! According to Gothamist, it was a Shih Tzu, not a poodle. Even better. And in his defense, Pagan's wife told the Post, "He has slight bipolar. He couldn't focus. He has ADD. He has diabetes." 

I think we need to add to the don't take the bebe to a bar lecture, "LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT."

Also, leave your crazy bipolar, diabetic, attention-deficit-disordered felon chef (and his serrated knife) at home too!

BREAKING: People At The Park Slope Food Coop Hire Hookers!

Short of the raccoon decapitation story, I'm pretty sure this is the best submission we've ever received here at FIPS HQ.

You see that pic of that woman in a hoochie mama dress, wearing fuck me heels up above? Well someonnnnne who works at the Coop is looking for her cause this bitch allegedly stole their dog!? And she may or may not be a hooker!? And they're offering you cash mon-ay if you can find this little skank-a-rella! And two months worth of Coop shifts! (ok, kidding about that last bit...cause two Coop shifts would be worth more like $2500).

Anyway.

Our new fave Coop Spy is this dude Aaron Naparstak, who noticed this remarkable flyer on the bulletin board outside their office during his last make-up shift. And sidenote: Aaron also confirms that's its totally fucking annoying to work with all those mofos with tales of bitchtastical shift leaders and check-out girls who ring your ass up while on conference calls. But who cares about any of that shit now...THERE'S A HOOKER DOG THIEF ON THE LOOSE!

Our list of shit to be deathly afraid in Park Slope is gettin kinda hectic, hunh?:

• Bedbugs
• Tornadoes
• Raccoons
• Opposums
• Hooker Dog Thiefs

I'm off to get Oliver micro-chipped....AH-gain.

How Cute Would These Baby Baboons Look in A Bugaboo? [SOOO CUTE]

I'm pretty fucking disappointed in myself for missing cute overload animal news like this, but the Prospect Park Zoo apparently has two new baby baboons. And they've been named Azizi and Jabari (which is Egyptian for "brave" and "precious." Even more upsetting, there was a contest to name these bebe monkey bitches, and we missed the whole damn thang.

I know you guyz could have had a LOT of fun with this one, so feel free to leave any lingering suggestions in the comments. For the record, my name suggestions would have been: Gogo and Winston.

(via Gothamist)

Opossums are the New Raccoons

Ok, so technically I have not yet heard of any opossum sightings in Park Slope yet, BUT IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME, PPL.

The genius powers that be in Brooklyn decided that the best way to deal with our ever alarming rat problem in the borough was to release a crapload of opossums, who would then (logically?) tear the rats apart limb from limb with those big sharp teeth of theirs. Ok, so lemme get this straight: the sweet, non-offensive geese get their own, custom-outfitted WWII gas chamber, and the rats get to fight it out for themselves and go three rounds with the city's crack opossum squad?

Well, gues what btchz? When a rat sees an opossum coming, this is generally what they look like:

The rat's were all singin' Jay-Z songs and takin a ride on the Cyclone as the lazy assed opossums basically caught not a single one of those bitches. Oh also, they started breeding, and now we have A MOTHERFUCKING OPOSSUM PROBLEM IN BROOKLYN TOO.

I have no goddamned clue who wins in an opossum v. raccoon battle royale, but I sincerely suggest someone research that shit pronto.

Oh, and keep your doors locked, ppl: otherwise a rat, raccoon, opossum OR tornado may very well kill you.

(via Daily Intel)

Oh Hey There, Just Takin' My IGUANA for a Little Ol' Walkeroo

We have our share of, um, personalities in the Slope.  Of course, our weirdos are pretty tame, and all things considered, they don't even flirt with the levels of strange in some of the other city nabes.  But I should be used to seeing some odd shit every now and then, yeah?

Okay, so how about a lady walking a fucking iguana down Eighth Avenue at Windsor Place on a leash?  This was not in the repertoire of "weird shit I expect to see daily in Park Slope" (or, if it is, guess I'm a little rusty on my lizard maintenance, in which case I'm deeply sorry).  So, for the love of research and all of your asses, I asked if I could take a photo.  And did I get a photo?

Yes.  But I was thinking like a "You keep your iguana on the sidewalk while I take out my phone" kinda photo set up, not a "OH HEY HERE'S MY IGUANA WILL YOU GET HIS GOOD SIDE OH THERE HE GOES!"  Anyway, his name is Smooch and he would have liked to have stayed, but he wanted to get home to watch the tennis.