Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.
BALLER:
The decision to have kids or not was not was fairly easy for me. It went something like this: Dear Self: am I giving, loving, rich, patient, selfless enough to take on 100% caring for another little human being? (no) Ready to nurture, teach, and love 24/7, 365 days a year, even when said little human being is being really, really fucking annoying and crying and pooping? (no). Willing to pay for all their shit (instead of minez), giving up travel, and expensive haircuts and shopping at Dean & Deluca so I can buy organic baby food and a $900 stroller? (no). I'm too fucking selfish.
Really that's it.
Choosing not to have kids is, considered by many, to be an incredibly selfish act. A virtual fuck you to society-at-large.
Whatevs, dudez...I get that the "children are our future"-n-shit, but that's all you, dawg. Good luck with it! I'll be chillin' at a random Brooklyn house party with Bill Murray.
It literally just hit me one day a few years ago...like those "aha moments" that Oprah is blabbing about all the time. Finally, one day it just flat out occurred to my ass that I don't *have* to have a baby. And not only do I not have to have a baby, its totally 100% ok if I don't want one. I DON'T WANT A BABY! WOOO HOOOO! It honestly, was that freeing...it felt like I was on that Batman ride at Six Flags or bungee jumping in Mexico on some makeshift, uninsurable bridge.
The selfish accusations started soon after. I believe my grandma (this sweet, unassuming, Long Island Jewish bubby) was the first to say "NO KIDS? Isn't that a little selfish?" At first I was kind of dumbfounded...like I didn't even quite know how to respond to the remark, so I just changed the subject.
After you get married, its pretty near impossible to avoid this conversation with well meaning busy bodies family members and friends. People get married, and then they have kids. That's just what's done. Conveying the fact that you don't want kids (REALLY don't want kids) is an art all unto itself. It's no easy task getting across, in a friendly and non-judgmental manner, the fact that you have zero desire to do what, in all likelihood, almost every human being you know has already done and/or will do at some point. This is touchy...and, not-surprisingly, this whole idea of being selfish actually comes up pretty often.
Usually its in the form of half-hearted, passive agressive judgments like this one: "No kids? Wow? Well, that will be nice...everyone has different priorities, I guess" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and I'm a loving, caring human being because I've made the decision to breed. Yay me).
Or this one: "No kids?! That's really great...really. Though, I just can't imagine how unfulfilled my life would be without [insert annoying SILTH baby name here]" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and you are gonna regret this decision when you're old and you have no one to take care of you. Yay me).
The thing is, while I don't appreciate the back handed judgments, I do agree that selfishness played a major role in my decision. I made the ultimate life choice: to tend my own damn garden, go after all my own dreams, eat chocolate cake for dinner, keep porn on my tivo, travel, keep all my money for me and my husband, do everything I want to do exactly when I want to fucking do it. BOOM!
So, yes: choosing not to have kids is totally fucking selfish...and I totally don't fucking care.
BREEDER:
Baller, I don't think you get it.
Unlike you, I would never publicly judge someone for the life decisions they make, as long as those life decisions don't hurt other people.
What you wrote is beautiful, and I'm glad you're happy. No retort.
Erica | 
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